Sep 22, 2011
I Made Me a Present (for you)
What do you give a dead child on a birthday, when everything parental inside of you wants to shower that child with sweets, excitement, gifts, delights?
It’s been four years now, and I still have a desire to buy you something, Felicity. (Will that ever go away?)
It’s been four years now, and I wish I could see your eyes light up with excitement over the decorations in the kitchen for your birthday breakfast. (I wish we were busy tonight with last-minute birthday preparations, instead of sitting here writing blog posts.)
It’s been four years now, and I often find myself wishing I knew what you’d like. (Would you be a chocolate cake girl like mama?)
I’ve been working on this scarf for myself for months, Felicity. Months. The hubbub of our lives prevented me from finishing it until this week. So now it’s my birthday present–to you…for me; for you…to me. I don’t know…
But I love it. And I know I’d love you more.
Daddy calls it the “Starry Night” scarf. I like that.
There’s been a lot of dark nights since we lost you, no stars in the sky. Just the black expanse. I remember one night a couple weeks after you died, I was out in the country and we turned the light off to sleep and it was so dark I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face. That was year 1 and year 2 without you. So dark. So paralyzingly dark.
But then, just like a night sky, stars began to appear, little glimmers breaking through the pitch. They’ve lit my way a bit. They’ve taken the edge off of the darkness. They’ve shone some beauty into something so horrific I thought it might swallow me whole (and at times, wanted it to).
So for your birthday I’m gonna wear the Starry Night scarf. It’s from me…about you.
Someday we’ll see the stars together the way they were meant to be seen.
You mend my heart from all the times I’ve been told, “Isn’t it time to get over it!” It isn’t. Not even fourteen years later.
This year, too, I’ve been dreaming of making my baby something special. I have two things someone else had made. I want to make something myself… but nothing is beautiful enough.
Your scarf, however, touches some of that beauty. hugs!
Wow. This just about made me cry. We lost a baby earlier this year too, and several of your posts about your own loss have spoken so deeply to me. Thank you, thank you for sharing your heart.
Beautiful scarf Molly. Happy Birthday Felicity!
Beautiful post, Molly. I’ll never forget the day I heard about Felicity. I didn’t even know you then, but I cried for you.
I’m so glad to call you a friend.
Love you!
“the way they were meant to be seen.” Yes. I long for that day for you.
I think Felicity would have liked chocolate cake, just like her mama. And I bet she would have liked pineapple, too. Perhaps she had both today?
I love you.
Beautiful. May God comfort you, always. And may He continue to sprinkle your dark days with light.
Love and tears for you, Molly. This was beautiful.
It’s so beautiful, Molly. Peace of Christ be with you.
Happy Birthday, Felicity!
Your scarf is so beautiful.
You teach me so many things through your blog, Molly.
Peace to you tonight!
Beautiful post and scarf. We just passed our second such birthday last week. The conflict of how to respond is so tangible. You resolved it beautifully this year.
this is a poignant time of year for me, and i will add Felicity’s name now to my own memories… thank you for making the scarf for her and for showing it to us all…
two years ago i found this blog because your father in law mentioned the 2nd anniversary of Felicity’s home-going.
Remember those starless nights, and see the stars when they’re there. grief is so…everything. and emptiness. Thinking of you. praying for you. [really.]
Loving your scarf and longing for heaven.
Happy Birthday Felicity! You are so deeply cherished.
Hugs to you Molly and Abe – I have her candle out for tonight – the matching one to yours and will sit and cry just a little for the ‘what might have been.’
I think God understands.
Beautiful. Just beautiful. Your words, your scarf…praying for you!
Beautiful post- love the scarf too…. after I read this I read the stranger not stalker post and it really encouraged me to keep reading and posting on not only your blog but others that I have found and find encouraging. Thanks!
Beautiful…the scarf, what you wrote, the raw emotion of it all. Beautiful. Love you guys!
It’s hard to believe it has been 4 whole years. I was pregnant with my son James then. I cried for your sweet Felicity, not knowing I would lose a baby in miscarriage 2 years later and would feel comfort from reading your blog in the midst of that storm. I’m sitting here holding my 8 week old rainbow baby and soaking in the beauty of your scarf. Thank you so much for sharing with us.
Sweet words. Made me cry. I can only imagine the pain of losing a daughter/child. That has to be the worst pain possible. I hurt for you – and I love the scarf.
Happy Birthday Felicity. Thanks for sharing Molly. May the peace of Christ reign in your heart.
With tears and a hug, Molly. How is that these anniversaries get both easier AND harder?
Molly, your Felicity scarf is beautiful. I can only imagine what kind of love you have put in every single stitch. Felicity is blessed to have you as her Momma. Happy birthday, little girl.
Beautiful post and scarf. My nephew was born at 23 weeks, 13 years ago. They named him Gabriel as my brother said he was meant to be an angel in heaven instead of on earth with us. Your truth about your experience has been difficult to read but thank you for sharing. One never forgets. I have another 13 year old nephew and it is bittersweet to watch him grow up wishing my other one was here too.
This is so bittersweet, Molly. My heart aches with you. The scarf is beautiful.
Thank you for sharing, Molly. My heart aches for and with you. What a beautiful Felicity scarf. Peace, dear heart.
Just beautiful. Praying for you.
Heart hurting for you Molly…still missing the ancitipated joys…
The scarf is painful-beautiful–the kind of beautiful that is causing a lump in my throat.
Can’t tell you how much I love that you celebrate and remember Felicity each year. Makes me not feel crazy when I need those things for ours.
Happy Birthday Little Felicity…
Felicity’s scarf is gorgeous. I love that you will be able to wear it and remember her. She was here and she was loved and it is so important that you celebrate that… and give yourself the time and space to be sad that she is not here now. It has been six years since we lost our baby girl. I send myself flowers and buy a christmas ornament every year on October 21. We do what we do to continue the journey…
Thank you for sharing. It really does help so many of us to know that we are not alone.
Words cannot express how deep this blog post is and how much it means to me to see that this pain is so real. I’m still in year 1 and hoping that on her 1st birthday I will be able to slowly see a light in the darkness too. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. The scarf is perfect and amazing just like Felicity. Our hope is what’s carrying me on, just like yours…hoping to see the wonderful beauty of heaven’s gate and marvelous light that both girls see now. Bless you.
What a beautiful scarf. For real Molly……. God bless you.
Bless your heart! Crafting beauty for ashes…
Gorgeous…pattern looks so intricate like the
“weaving in the mother’s womb”. what a
tribute and a comfort.
That is simply beautiful. The concept of making something…that you can hold onto… to give to Felicity is just breath-takingly good. Yes. What a wonderful way to bring beauty into this hard day. Love and prayers.
Beautiful.
The scarf and your post to Felicity.
Not a whole lot more to say other than that.
it’s taken me 5 times to get through this. your last line is the best one…and true and hopeful.
Dear Molly,
What a beautiful scarf and what beautiful words for your sweet daughter, Felicity. Praying for you today!
Love,
Bethany
Love, sweet love!
Gorgeous. the post AND the scarf! Couldn’t have been a better gift. for her, from you, to you… LOVED THAT! Thanks for the honesty. Hope the scarf makes you feel warm inside and out. Beautiful!
absoultely beautiful gift molly. felicity would have loved it, and wrapped it around herself & jumped up and down, i’m sure of it. tears are streaming down my face!
In the midst of my great darkness, your blog gives me hope and warms my heart. Thank you! Happy birthday dear Felicity!
Beautiful.
Dear Molly, you do not know me.. I am not even sure you’ll read my comment, but I had to write yo you… I have 2 boys (12 and 11 years old) and then after a lot of struggling with my own heart we trusted the Lord, and He blessed us with a baby girl (Erica Fath)…. she died at birth. This happened 4 months ago and my heart is in so much pain still… God is good and has beed marciful to us in giving us peace… every day is better, yet I still crash very hard at times.
I am not sure why am I writing… I am not sure why I am here. Your sweet baby Felicity died 4 years ago and my sweet Erica almost 4 months ago (on the 15th). My heart breaks with you… yet I can see through your blog, that it hurts just as much as the years pass, but as you hope to see her one day, so my hope is in the Lord to see my baby…
Any how… you can contact me at : victochi@yahoo.com or visit my blog where the last maybe 8 posts talk about her… first when I foud out I was pregnant, then her death, then what I am feeling,.. any how.. you do not need to read them.. just in case you want to know who is this “crazy’ lady opening her heart to you without even knowing you.
I love your scarf by the way… and… may the Lord bless you greatly.
Norma Tochijara.
thank you for sharing this, molly. i came across your blog today, shared by a friend, and then stumbled across this post from last year, which blessed me today. thank you for sharing your heart through your loss to encourage others. two months ago today our little aiden allan entered the world, stillborn, at 39.5 weeks. oh, how i wish i was celebrating two months with him, taking photos, holding him and smiling, rather than counting the months of emptiness without him. but as hard as it i know it will be to count the milestones of missing, i was reminded yesterday as i was reading mary beth chapman’s book, “choosing to see” — i will be WITH aiden longer than i will have been WITHOUT him. thank you, LORD for the hope of heaven! :)