Molly Piper

About two months ago, a friend at my church had a 35-week stillbirth. Her placenta just burst, and that was it. All her 35 weeks of

love

care

protection

nourishment…just over.

And while I know it’s not truly over, but that her son has true meaning and value in this life (and in the next), I feel the rawness of her loss sometimes as though I’m re-living some of my first days and weeks. It’s been a hard, but good, thing.

Here’s something I’ve been reflecting on the past couple weeks:

When we say to grieving people, “Oh, I can’t imagine” we might be saying “I don’t want to imagine.”

I say that because, if we took a few minutes and put ourselves inside that person’s situation, we would (in part) imagine.

And I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that anything less than that is not love or care.

Now, there might be people who say, “But I’m not a mom…” or “I’ve never lost a baby…”

“…when someone loses their baby, I really can’t imagine, because I’ve never been there.”

(I’m using my example, a stillbirth, as the example here. You really could fill-in-the-blank with any tragedy or heartbreak you’re seeing someone through.)

And while that’s valid on some level, it really isn’t the whole story. I have dear friends who aren’t married, have never been pregnant, and yet are extremely sensitive and caring about things they haven’t experienced. It just means that they’ve taken the time to enter into someone else’s heartbreak.

And no, you won’t imagine it perfectly, because it is what it is–an imagining…an image. You will probably never understand what it’s like to labor for hours with a dead baby. You’ll probably never understand how it feels to have terrors in the night, horrified that you forgot the baby somewhere or awakening to imaginary baby cries.

And I’m not trying to be overly dramatic here. These are real things that really happen.

I think another reason we shy away from imagining is that it’s not going to be pretty or comfortable. It’s often horrific and terrifying and depressing. But it’s your friend’s reality.

Real love gets into the trenches of grief and suffering. It imagines. It lets it’s mind’s eye linger. Real love will not avert its eyes. It won’t say, “Your disaster is too much for me.”

As I’ve watched friends walk through tragedies like mine in the past few years, or some others walk through tragedies very different from mine, I’m trying to be really mindful to not say, “I can’t imagine.” Because in some cases, it’s all I have. It’s the only window I have, with my puny little brain, into prayer, into continued love and care for that person–imagining their pain, imagining their grief or loss, imagining their ongoing need and brokenness.

Imagination is what will take you closer, even when you feel very distant from the situation.

I think we underestimate imagination. We shut it down too quickly, afraid we’ll either presume too much understanding or that it’ll just hurt too much.

You might be wondering

What do I say in that uncomfortable moment, when all I want to say is ‘I can’t imagine?’ What are some alternatives?

I think it would be okay to say, in the most heartfelt and heartbroken way, “I can only imagine.” And then go on from there, telling them some things that you’ve been thinking and feeling on their behalf, how it’s led you to pray, whatever. This communicates a love, a presence in their pain–even if from a distance.

Let’s gather the grieving in our imaginings. You might find it to be a powerful point of connecting, doing what you can to understand.

Awhile back I wrote a post for inCourage about my difficulties with regular Bible-reading.

Many people left comments on that post, confessing as well that Bible reading is difficult for them. Perhaps you’re one of them?

So I guess I’m just feeling a need to check in and ask: How you doin’?

Here’s what I’m not interested in:

• Any type of wow-I’m-so-great nonsense.
• Attempts to earn brownie points with God.

BUT…are we doing the hard thing?

How I’m Doin’

Right now, I’ve found that I’m bad at going to the open Bible on my counter. I won’t lie, there may even be dust settling in that page.

BUT…I’ve decided to keep my little Bible and a small journal in the car.

Each day I go pick up Orison from kindergarten, and I’m usually there with 5-10 minutes to spare. So on my way there (about a 15 minute drive), I’m praying. No formula, no list, just whatever/whoever God brings to mind as I drive.

Then when I get there, I pull my little Bible out from between the seats and crack it open.

Right now I’m reading the Psalms, and in my notebook I write character traits of God, questions I have, or verses I love.

I might not make it through a whole chapter some days, and some days I’m running late and I don’t get to it at all, but at least there’s some time that I’m trying to set aside.

What have been your trials and errors? What’s working? What’s not?

So I’m realizing that having a bigger family means that sickness seems to last FOREVER!

It started a few weeks ago when Orison had the runny eyes and nose and a slight fever. Then it developed into a cough. But before he could get over it, Morrow & Whit joined the party and decided to not be outdone by their brother.

And picking up the rear, me and Cadence are on the mend.

We haven’t been to church as a family in three weeks. Which means we really haven’t gone anywhere, because it’s too difficult to take all the kids out anyway. And if they’re miserable and moody with colds…forget about it.

So this week, I’ve been nursing a yucky cold and have thus been silent in the blogging world. I love you all, but I need to take care of me and mah brood first.

So, here’s hoping we’ve seen the last of it (for now) and I’ll be posting more next week. Have a lovely weekend, all!

And to you Minnesotans, enjoy the warm-up (upper 30s, yee-HAW!)!

I didn’t post this picture yesterday, but just had to share it today.

My baby’s working on his Blue Steel!

What do you think? How’s he doing?

Perhaps my child has a future as a male model? A mom can only hope.

Or, as Danielle captioned the photo, “”I will call her my squishy and she will be MINE!”

I can’t believe that it’s been six months since I had these two little babies!

It’s been a blessed, albeit crazy, six months with these two rascals in our lives. I wish I had more time to write and reflect on their life today. Most of my day’s just going to be taking care of them! And that, my friends, is such a gift. There seems to be a million needs around me at all times, but I’m so honored and humbled that I get to mother these children.

[Photo credit: Katie]

If you have twins you are not going to have a lot of time for meals. It’s just reality. I know they tell you if you’re nursing that you need to eat healthy, well-balanced meals and snacks. The more children you get, and the closer they are to each other in age, the chances of that decrease almost exponentially.

So I’ve taken to always having snacks in the van. Some of you might be thinking, “Duh! I always do that!” Well, I suppose I’d often have snacks in my purse, especially when I was pregnant, but I never had the quantity necessary for how often I need them now that I can rarely get a spare moment to eat at home. And most of the snacks weren’t for me, but for the kids.

Here’s what I consider for mom snacks:

• They have to have a shelf life. Anything perishable is not gonna work for me and my brain right now. I just need to be able to get in the car, realize I’m starving, and have something available.
• In my arctic world, you have to pick things that won’t freeze!
• Decently healthy. I’m not a super-duper health nut, but I’m not a junk food junkie, either.

I find that my private stash of snacks often includes crackers and nuts. They fit my criteria quite nicely.

My quick cracker of choice is Cheez-Its. I have to be careful not to gorge on them, but they’re still my faves, and if I just eat a few, I figure it’s okay. I’m sure I’ll get emails about how bad they are for me or how they’re made with carcinogen-soaked cow stomachs or something. Whatevs, I guess I must like carcinogen-soaked cow stomachs. And Cheez-It people, if you read this, I love you and will not believe the haters!

Anyway…if you’re a mother of twins, stock the car with snacks for you. You’re gonna need them!

What are your favorite on-the-go mom snacks?