Oct 29, 2010
Dancing Under the Gallows: A Video Worth 12 Minutes
Somehow I ended up watching a video on Facebook last night. I don’t usually click on videos these days, because I don’t have time. But this 12 minutes was so worth it. Worth every second. And maybe it’s because I just read The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society (by the way, it’s really good), but I don’t think that’s it.
This is a video of Alice Sommer, the oldest Holocaust survivor alive. She’ll turn 107 next month.
I was moved and heart-broken by so many things she said. I don’t think everything she said is spot-on (the whole “music is God” thing), but I want to run it through the sieve of Truth and hold onto the lessons that are worth learning, namely, that I have a choice to love. I have a choice to be joyful in difficult circumstances. I want to take what’s true and beautiful here and let the Holy Spirit point me to Jesus.
And while I’m not comparing her Nazi prison camp experience to my experience of losing a child, I still see lessons and similarities. There’s no use in comparing what she went through and what I’ve gone through. They’re different. But there is pain. Pain is universal, no?
There’s potential for all kinds of hatred and anger in both of our situations (and probably in yours). But can I forgive? Can I move toward healing? Yes. Oh my, yes. I’ve experienced measures of healing I didn’t think possible. And you can hear it in her laugh. Healing exists.
The other thing that I can totally relate to is the power of music. I grew up in a very musical family, and music was a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I love to listen to music, I love to play or sing music, I love to enjoy music.
When Felicity died, when I was going through some of my darkest days, I developed a soundtrack. A song would hit me as I drove down the road, or sat on my bed, and it would inspire my shriveling faith, or encourage me toward (what I felt was non-existent) hope, or meet me right in the midst of my anger and challenge me toward love. I have a playlist now. It’s the “Grief Mix.” I still love that mix. I remember pulling up to the graveside on one occasion, blasting Sandra McCracken’s “Guardian” over and over on repeat and just sobbing until I had nothing left. There was promise there for my soul.
When you go out, when you come home;
like a hedge, like a shield, I’ll be your guardian…
It was as though God used the music to break through the hardest parts of me, and dig into the deepest depths. And it’s funny, because it was like those songs were for me only. It’s like my own little secret language with the Lord. Because no one will hear those songs and know exactly how it makes me feel, or know exactly what I was experiencing the first time I heard it, or know why it has a place on the “Grief Mix.” It’s just mine. I own it for my soul. And that’s kinda like Alice. She owned those Chopin etudes in the camp and they transformed her.
I don’t think music is God. But I do think that there was so much power in it for my healing. God used music to change me.
So I hope you feel inspired by Alice today. And, more importantly, I hope you want to heal.
This was beautiful, Molly. Thanks for sharing. I completely resonate with what you shared about music and healing. I have about five songs that carried me through infertility. Nothing brought me up for air, even if just for two minutes, like music did.
When I was going through my own Dark Valley a few years ago, I saw an ad for a hospital on the side of a city bus. It said: “heart attack. OR heart attack,”
And God whispered to my soul, “That’s it, you know. You didn’t chose this pit, and I know it’s painful. I know. But you can chose how this sentence ends. Is it with a period? Or a comma? Life is forever changed. But does it end here? Or do you go on? I can help you go on.”
I believe I sobbed for the next 5 miles.
This is beautiful, Molly. Do you know T.S. Eliot’s poem, The Dry Salvages? Your post made me think of it – it’s one of the Four Quartets, which are his meditations on Holy Week. The Dry Salvages is the poem for Silent Saturday, when all is dark and silent.
“…or music heard so deeply
That it is not heard at all, but you are the music
While the music lasts. These are only hints and guesses,
Hints followed by guesses; and the rest
Is prayer, observance, discipline, thought and action.
The hint half guessed, the gift half understood, is Incarnation.”
http://www.tristan.icom43.net/quartets/salvages.html
I so agree about God using music for healing. There are a few songs that have ministered to me so deeply in our loss. It’s like God had them write those songs just for me so I could see he hasn’t left. At least that’s how I feel sometimes. Thanks for sharing, Molly.
thank you for posting this…so thankful that God has been bringing healing in your life…it is SO very encouraging to hear…:)
Molly, may I ask what other songs are on your “Grief Mix”?
I liked the part where she paused and said “Some days, I think… I am richer from having lived through it.”
Grief is a painful jewel, but it does leave us richer.
Good Morning, Molly,
It’s funny where people’s lives and influences intersect. During our years of residence in St. Louis, Sandra McCracken and her family were involved in the same church that we were. As a middle schooler and teenager,she often participated in the music ministry. Kevin Twit (of Indelible Grace) was there at the same time, and there was lots of creative music synergy going on. Sandra would not know us, but we knew her mother, Betty, who was our listing realtor when we sold our home and moved to North Carolina. What a neat family, all who had purpose and lived it out, and were supportive of one another’s personal visions.
James Ward’s album, “Mourning to Dancing”, got me through a rough period.
I remember this album. It was a comfort when my son was born 30 years ago and diagnosed with a severe disability.
“to run it through the sieve of Truth and hold onto the lessons that are worth learning”…I love that, Molly.
My soundtrack includes Twila Paris’ “Where I Stand”.
Thanks for sharing Molly!
It is inspirational; not to complain is one of the things staying with me.
Oh and I am planning on reading Guernsey Literary… I ordered it through my local library and waited too long to pick it up. They sent it back! I’ll order again :)
Thank you for posting. Hearing her testimony on loving others is good stuff.
“It was as though God used the music to break through the hardest parts of me, and dig into the deepest depths.” — I can completely relate to this! Thanks again for sharing ~
I too have made a “Grief Mix”. It is a year today that my Molly Grace was stillborn. I agree, music is not God, but God has certainly used biblical music to remind me of His promises. I have a new song that has been added to my “Grief/Encouragement Mix”, When Trial Come by The Getty’s. My heart delights in the words, God’s promises, and the exuberance of the music.
Here is a little taste of the first and last verses:
When trials come no longer fear
For in the pain our God draws near
To fire a faith worth more than gold
And there His faithfulness is told
One day all things will be made new
I’ll see the hope You called me to
And in your kingdom paved with gold
I’ll praise your faithfulness of old
What a beautiful, powerful video. Amazing story. Music is such a gift. God has used so much it in a powerful way in so much of my life, too. (And I’m glad you liked the book! Isn’t it cute? Certain plot points didn’t quite go how I thought they would, but I liked it anyway :)).
Thank you for sharing your heart and this video. I’ll have to watch it when I get a “free” moment. :)
I feel I can relate to both (you and Ms. Alice) on some levels (though not all, of course). I echo your sentiment about there being a “potential for all kinds of hatred and anger” in my own tribulation (though different from yours). But I do forgive, am “healing”, and hopeful for the best as things progress. I like your idea of the “Grief Mix”. Mine would be a “While I’m Waiting Mix” that would encourage me not to loose heart but rather to persevere and not turn my eyes from God and Christ Jesus and I continue running the race (Hebrews 12:1) with endurance.
Anyway, I’m not trying to compare my trial with yours or Ms. Alice’s suffering. My purpose in commenting was to say, “Thank you for sharing this.”
Kindest regards,
Brook
http://www.Matt5verse6.blogspot.com
P.S. I see PRIDE AND PREJUDICE in your “Recent Reads” list. I love that story. In my “darkest days” I used to watch the movie (not the BBC one but the other with MacFadyen as Mr. Darcy) daily. I really like the respect individuals showed for each other then.
I would really, really love to hear other songs on your grief playlists, and Molly, I know it’s a very personal thing we are asking and I would understand if you didn’t want to share your whole playlist… but I would also LOVE to see what songs are in your “Grief” playlists.
I lost my daughter, Aquene (pronounced Uh-KAY-nuh; Miwok Indian word meaning ‘peace’) 10/14/07. She was the last in a series of 6 miscarriages and one loss where my daughter was born very early and died just a few hours later. I am currently homeless, and having some music for a therapeutic playlist would be really, really awesome for me. You can email me too if you want. Thanks.
[...] mentioned before that music was unspeakably healing to me in the first months and years of grief after the death of our [...]