Jul 28, 2010
Grieving Moms: You Never Know Where You’ll Meet One
Last night, Abraham and I went on a double-date with his parents. It was nice to have a relaxing conversation with them over dinner, especially knowing that it’ll be one of my last ones for a very long time.
After dinner, Abraham’s dad wanted to drive out to the suburbs to look at a treadmill he was thinking of buying from Craigslist. We ended up driving through a deluge on the way, which made the trip memorable and funny at times. Seriously, the wind was blowing so hard that the water laying on the street was moving uphill. Lightning and thunder were crashing everywhere around our little minivan.
With my trusty mother-in-law navigating, we arrived at this really nice suburban home and were greeted by a beautiful woman in her mid-late 30s (I’d guess). Dark brown hair, very fit, very smiley. She started demonstrating the treadmill for my father-in-law and things were going well. The rain had let up considerably so I got out of the van to go take a peek.
There’s no hiding at this point that I’m very, very pregnant, so we had a conversation about the obvious. She asked where I was delivering, and I told her. She perked right up, and asked who my doctor was, and I told her. When she heard my doctor’s name she just gushed and said, “I delivered my twins there. She was one of my doctors!” Then, kind of waving her hands in front of herself dismissively, she continued, “But I’m not even going to get into it with you.”
There was something she didn’t want to tell me because I was pregnant. So I just went ahead and told her: “One of the reasons she’s my doctor is because we had a full-term stillbirth in 2007. Dr. Sent-From-God (*not her actual name*) is my rock star doctor.”
Then she just opened right up. She told me about her twins who were born at 25 weeks back in 2002, after 6 weeks of her being in the hospital to try to save the pregnancy. One died soon after birth, and the other lived for a couple months before dying as well.
So there we were, two women standing in a suburban garage with real-life horror stories no one should ever have to tell. But I’m so glad we did. The differences between us were no longer there. We were just two women who’ve gone on living, even while we miss our children.
I was honored to be there, to hear the abridged version of her story. She asked that my father-in-law email her when our twins are born.
We drove away (treadmill in our possession) into a beautiful rainbow that had formed after the huge storm. I’m not kidding–it really happened. None of us had our cameras with us to take a picture (which is extremely rare if you know my mother-in-law).
It felt very profound and symbolic for me, though–terrible, blinding storms followed by a beautiful calm. I don’t know if this woman feels that same peace and calm in her soul. She mentioned “God’s plan” and “keeping the faith.” I was just touched by God’s special comfort to me after our interaction. It was like he was saying, “You’ve gone through horrific times, but there will also be repose. I cause grief, but I also show compassion.”
But even more than that, I felt just this utter sense of God’s presence, his plan, bringing me into this stranger’s garage. I was reminded once again that we never know what’s just below the surface, what trials others who we meet have faced. In some strange way it’s comforting, this crazy bond of suffering. We’ll meet each other in train stations, on airplanes, on the other side of the world, on the internet, at work. It reminded me to keep my eyes and ears and heart open.
Great post, Molly. My favorite line, “You’ve gone through horrific times, but there will also be repose. I cause grief, but I also show compassion.” I’ve been feeling like He’s mainly concerned with shaping me through the darkness. But He is compassionate. It’s just too easy to forget that. Thanks for sharing.
Molly, thank you for being transparent and so openly sharing your story. My husband and I are foster parents, about to lose “our” baby girl (now age 20 months) to her birth mother who has previously lost 6 kids to the “system.” We’ve had our sweet girl since she was only 2 days old. I am in grief mode, full-force now. Today we received our 30 day notice – meaning, we will be moving her in with birth mom in about 30 days. The grief is overwhelming to me. Through this journey with our “bug” I’ve turned to your blog a number of times as I’ve had to process new levels of grief…and here I am again today. I just wanted to say thank you for your heart and your wisdom. It’s a relief to know there are people who kind of understand this pain…
Wow. You just never know what someone has been through or how your heart may connect with them.
What a neat meeting. You, and not just with this story but many times before, have caused me to look at people and wonder what they’ve gone through or ARE dealing with. So many times, a foul attitude or rude remark is just the very best someone can manage amidst their circumstances.
By the way, I can.not.wait to see pictures and hear the names of those two sweet babes in your belly!
And judging by the way you looked in the background of Orison’s most recent video, you look fabulous!
We all need to be reminded of this. Every day.
wow. what a blessing.
Love you, girl. Praying for you and your sweet little ones!
AMEN. There is nothing like talking to someone who understands.
Molly,
As always touched by your post. It is so true that you never know what others have faced. Sending many prayers your way as you anticipate the birth of your twins.
Blessings,
Amanda
Forever missing Gavin 4/7-5/3/08
Hi Molly,
It is true what you said ” we’ll meet each other… on the internet” I was sent a link to your post titled Brokenhearted Love following the mid-pregnancy stillbirth of our daughter in April. Truly, the entire series “How to help a Grieving Friend” was/is one of the most honest and helpful things I have read here on the interweb :) I often said to my husband after reading a post– “It is like she is inside my head and heart”
Thank you for your writing and your honesty. I have linked to the Brokenhearted love post from my blog and so many have commented on how it helps them see and love on a grieving momma in a whole new, meaningful way.
I thought it time to come out of the lurking closet to offer my gratitude for your blog. (and 22 Words also– Double Rainbow has made me smile for weeks)
May God give you strength and courage as you deliver your twins soon and very soon! My prayers are with you.
love, a midwest neighbor from Michigan.
I fully believe that God never wastes a hurt. He uses them for His glory. Meeting that woman was no accident, our Lord brought the two of you together because of your shared experience. One can not truly understand your grief unless they have endured it as well. He blessed both of you in this encounter.
I continue to pray for you and your family as you wait for the birth of your babies. May you feel His comfort every step of the way.
I am so thankful that you were there to comfort her!
Watching your blog incessantly for baby news!! Love and prayers!
I am blown away by this, Molly. I am amazed at the details God works out, how He uses even the “small things” to communicate His sovereignty and love to us.
I can’t wait to hear the next chapter in your story. :-) Three days!
Not sure why this made me cry. Nice post.
I lost my little one at 13 weeks gestation.
I have been amazed at the women that have told me about their losses after we lost Ethan. The ones that touched me the most are the women that are my parents age when things were so different. I know things aren’t perfect now, but I’m grateful this didn’t happen to me 20-30 years ago when it was just dismissed. I’m honored they feel free to share with me.
What a beautiful post. I had a similar rainbow experience a couple of days ago. My husband just went through a huge disappointment – nothing like losing a child, but still something heartbreaking that leaves us wondering what God has for us next. And then I was on a walk and saw a rainbow and I was reminded of God’s goodness to us.
Since experiencing infertility and an early miscarriage, God has given me lots of chances to reach out to others with the same struggles and have people come along side me to comfort me when who have been through the same thing. I love that God makes the ugly beautiful.
This is a beautiful post, Molly. I’ve found this to be true in my own family’s suffering (not related to losing children). God brings His comfort (the “rainbows” he gives us sometimes) and we comfort others…and someday in another life, it will be made right. Our God brings life out of death (though we are required to wait through this life first).
Thinking about you today as you deliver!
A thing I appreciate about your blog. You aren’t being provocative, controversial, heretical, irreverent, and idiotic. This is a profound contrast to a lot of nonsense that gets offered up as wisdom.
I appreciate your tone of humility, your honest orthodoxy and peaceful, pleasant presentation. I admire how you draw out of your pain words that are not meant to spread hurt, but kindness. Thank you.
Peace to you. And God give you and Abraham joy upon the birth of the twins.
i’m a grieving mama and understand so directly with what you express in this post. my loss reminds me that everyone has something that they are trying to overcome and that we aren’t all that different. i just wish that people were more willing to share instead of hiding from it. why is it ok in our society to show your underpants, but not ok to talk about losing a loved one. ya know what i mean? i just don’t understand that about our society.
Thank you for your honesty. I have two babies playing together in Heaven. I connect with you about the honor and privilege it is to go the grieving journey with another woman. It was a blessing to read this post.
so beautiful!
“God causes grief, but he also shows compassion…” this is also my understanding, but when I try to explain that to others the general feedback is that God doesn’t cause grief, God only bring good things into our lives, I shouldn’t think that God was proactive in my full term loss… but I feel he was. As I was giving birth, I had an immense feeling of peace, and since then of course I’ve experienced real sorrow also, but I really felt that God was in control of the whole event. People have said I can’t blame God, but I do.. not in a hurtful accusatory way, but in a way that acknowledges his hand on my life and the short life of my daughter.
Really appreciating your insight in this journey we share…