Apr 14, 2010
I Hope? Who, me?
This weekend our family went to our church’s Spring Retreat. The theme of the weekend was “I Hope.” We looked at lots of Scripture passages about hope, and talked about how we can apply hope into our daily lives.
But for me, hope is a really scary concept–really scary.
I remember feeling, in my darkest days of depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), that hope is what God tells you to do so he can distract you, then sucker punch you in the gut with reality.
At that time, hope for anything good from God felt impossible. It felt like we only got calamity. And I know I “should’ve” stepped back a bit from our circumstances, taken a broader view, looked at the big picture and then I could’ve seen how good we had it–one healthy child, a home to live in, a car that got us where we needed to go, a job that paid for all of what we needed and much of what we wanted. And that did help sometimes. But I still had a deep, gaping, bloody wound.
I was stuck. So deeply stuck in the hopelessness of Felicity’s death. So confused. So wounded. I don’t think saying, “People in Cambodia (or North Korea, or Congo) have it really bad, Molly. Just look around and get over yourself,” would’ve have been healing for me. It might have taken the “bad thoughts” away quicker, but would it have healed the wound I was feeling or mended my broken view of God?
I think taking a broader view of God’s world can be incredibly helpful for getting us outside of ourselves, don’t get me wrong. But it’s insufficient by itself for healing when you’re up against some deeply painful personal issues.
I was dealing with questions like:
- Is God trustworthy?
- Does he listen when I pray?
- Does he care about me and my anguish?
- Has he forgotten me?
- Have I wearied him with too many requests?
- Am I being punished or “taught a lesson”?
- Is my loss “small” in the big picture of things? Does it matter to God that I’m still so sad?
And of course a really simple division that one can make about hope is that there’s hoping in our circumstances and hoping in God and who he is. As you can see from my list of questions above, my circumstances and who God is were pretty enmeshed. And I think that’s probably the case for most of us. Our hearts aren’t so easily compartmentalized, are they?
Anyway, there was (and is) lots of undoing that needed to happen for me to begin healing. That’s another post. But I realized this weekend that I am still so afraid to hope for the arrival of the twins. Kind of like, if I want it too much, God’s going to teach me a lesson, smack me on the hand, flex his muscles, and show me who’s boss.
I want to believe that God flexed his muscles already and showed me who’s boss by giving these babies to begin with. I don’t want to see a taking again. But I suppose on some level, we all have to be prepared for that.
So how do I hope that these babies are going to come? How can I hope in God (who gives and takes away) and not get that tangled into my circumstances? is that even possible for those to be completely separate?
I’m afraid I can’t wrap this thought up with a pretty bow and present it to you all figured out. These are my wonderings, my laments, my questions that I wade through as week #20 with two babies in my belly pushes on. I desire to hope, but I’m still slogging through what that means. It’s messy, this slogging. Who’s with me?
I’m with you, Molly. :)
Thanks Molly.
Would you say that there is some good in being keenly aware that not all babies in the womb will be born safe and healthy. Having not experienced the hard event, I would say that there is a resulting lack of cockiness (for lack of a better word, maybe ‘certainty’ would be better) that is, in some way, God glorifying.
Oh Molly – I’m there with you, more than I can say. Everyday, I struggle with these same thoughts and wonder – how do I hope and trust and believe in a God that might not ever bring us to our children? How can I hope for something like this when it might lead to such great despair? Because you’re right there are no guarantees that everything will work out. Just here to say, I’m living in this with you every single day.
I am…With you in asking those questions, laying my hopes before His feet…a different battle for me, hoping that in His providence the Lord will open my womb, and yet all the questions are the same…
I’m in that battle with you Andrea… and SO with you Molly. Trying to figure out what putting my hope in the Lord is suppossed to look like when things in my life don’t turn out the way I had previously hoped.
I’m with you, Molly.
I haven’t dealt with the same set of circumstances that have lead to your wonderings, laments, and question. But I find myself in circumstances that prompt many of the same wonderings, laments, and questions. Thank you for being willing to put out there what you are slogging through. It is a comfort knowing that I’m not the only one slogging.
Molly, I don’t think hope has to be wishing good thoughts all the time and being Suzy Sunshine.
Our hope comes from knowing that God only gives and takes away when it brings us our good and his glory. Our hope is that we know that beautiful Felicity is with Jesus. Our hope is our future certainty of heaven, and our current certainty of grace, mercy and love.
(please don’t take this to be criticizing your questions. I think it’s right to ask those questions, I just wanted to encourage you that God doesn’t say anywhere “be happy and hopeful or I shall crush you” but rather that sorrow is a godly response. But even in that sorrow, we do have hope.)
I’m with you. You’re right. It is work and it is messy, but you’re going somewhere. Deep grief and suffering challenges the core of what we believe. I’m living it too.
Hi, Molly! I read your blog from time to time and was really blessed by this post. I don’t have a real response because I’m in there with you trying to figure it out. Do I understand God “because of” or “inspite of” some of my life circumstances? Certainly the good and perfect ones I easily attribute to God, but it’s the hard stuff of life that can really mess with you. Thanks for sharing this today.
P.S. Loved your Compassion posts!
I feel like this too, all the time. All the way through all my pregnancies. (I lost one, my second child, and all my children were conceived with difficulty.)
I certainly didn’t feel hope all the time. But I’ve come to accept that hope is never fully realized here in this life. Even when we’re hoping for healthy children safely born, that’s not our ultimate hope. Hope comes in clinging to the fact that “all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well” (Julian of Norwich, T.S. Eliot) in the long run–even if we’ll never see it until eternity. So even if I don’t trust the Lord the way I should day-to-day, He’s my Father and I’m His child and someday it will all make sense and be infinitely better than I thought it could be.
I’m so glad that God is gracious to us. I’ve been reading Grace-based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel & it has drastically changed my views about God’s grace, hope, love, parenting, etc. Instead of smacking us for wondering these things (& yes, I’ve wondered some of them too), he lovingly & graciously lets us ask & feel what we need to, for however long we need to, until the healing comes. Thanks for your honesty. I’m praying for you all! (Congrats on your twins!!)
I wish I knew more Christians like you, Molly…thank you for sharing these hard questions. It helps me not feel so alone as I ask the same ones. I wonder if we do indeed have hope, yet fear keeps us from feeling hopeful?
I read your blog quite often and have been so encouraged by your posts…I thank God for your faith, for causing you to persevere in faith even when your circumstances are anything but encouraging, and I thank you for being authentic about your questions and struggles…this was a wonderful post…I rarely comment, but just wanted to say thank you…someone in small town Iowa was encouraged :)
I am with you. And when you aren’t able to pray or trust – call and you will find I am always behind you. Ready to help you take that next breath, or half breath, or weeping sob. I love you to pieces.
Jesus is with you. On the cross, he cried out:
“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
That Psalm continues:
Why are you so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer;
and by night, but find no rest.
Yet you are holy,
enthroned on the praises of Israel.
In you our ancestors trusted;
they trusted, and you delivered them.
To you they cried, and were saved;
in you they trusted, and were not put to shame.
But I am a worm, and not human;
scorned by others, and despised by the people.
All who see me mock at me;
they make mouths at me, they shake their heads;
‘Commit your cause to the Lord; let him deliver—
let him rescue the one in whom he delights!’
Yet it was you who took me from the womb;
you kept me safe on my mother’s breast.
On you I was cast from my birth,
and since my mother bore me you have been my God.
Do not be far from me,
for trouble is near
and there is no one to help.
Many bulls encircle me,
strong bulls of Bashan surround me;
they open wide their mouths at me,
like a ravening and roaring lion.
I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint;
my heart is like wax;
it is melted within my breast;
my mouth is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to my jaws;
you lay me in the dust of death…
(Ps. 22)
Oh, I’m with you too. But that hardly seems important in comparison.
i agree that there is little consolation in the relatively “worse” suffering of others. Somehow that too ends up being another “sucker punch”…
even if I’m hopeful today, some kid is getting beat up by his parents two doors down…
it is so far from consolation to think of that.
I’m with you. You so often put into words things that I haven’t been able to. It helps me process things and helps me know how to pray for you too.
Oh, I’m with you. I don’t know you, you don’t know me, but I’m with you.
I’m with you. Thank you for being real. For years I stopped praying for my mentally ill and severely dysfunctional immediate and extended family’s salvation because I gave up hope that they would ever ever change. It seemed that hoping only led to bigger disappointments and hurts. I have resumed praying, but it is still a struggle to hope and trust God on a moment-by-moment basis.
You’ve articulated well thoughts I haven’t been able to before. Like feeling distracted by hope and then being “sucker-punched in the gut with reality”. And distinguishing between true healing and getting outside yourself by looking at the bigger picture. I hope you will post more about the “undoing” that led to true healing.
I especially like your point about how we enmesh our circumstances with God’s character. I think it’s appropriate to do so, since God’s character can’t be separated from his actions. His words dramatize his actions. His actions demonstrate his words. He’s in control of all things. He doesn’t DO all things, but He is in control of them. So our circumstances should tell us something of His character, right? I’m learning that it’s my perspective on my circumstances that’s faulty, since there are some things I can’t understand from His point of view this side of heaven. And I suppose that’s good, since no explanation would satisfy the hurt at this time anyway.
So I’m left to hope and trust. Taking what I have experienced in God, what I know of Him to be good, and believing He is good despite things I can’t understand. But one day I trust, I hope, every wrong will be made right, every tear will vanish, and faith will be sight. Some passages that have encouraged me lately are Daniel Chapter 7:9-14 (From Beth Moore’s study on Daniel- “there IS a judge in heaven”). and Job 13:15 “Though he slay me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face.” (ESV) and Isaiah 35:4 “Say to those with fearful hearts, “Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.” (NIV)
I’m with you. I recently lost my first baby to a miscarriage, and I’ve asked some of these same questions. But God has been so gracious to me, and has used the miscarriage to remind me that Jesus is my treasure and I can hope in the truth that He is who He says He is. I’m so grateful for your blog and your vulnerability – thank you!
My husband and I have talked about the phrase in Romans- hope that does not disappoint.
The other side to that phrase suggests that there are many hopes that do disappoint us. I think that hoping for a child is natural, a human emotion or draw, but also one that might disappoint.
We now talk abut hopes that might disappoint, as in “I hope I get that job, but that’s the kind of hope that disappoints.”
But there is one hope that will never disappoint us- that Christ died for us while we were sinners- and the Holy Spirit is proof of this promise- and that we are reconciled to God forever.
I don’t know how to transfer all the hopes I have that might disappoint to the One that won’t, of even if I should try. (then I would be squashing emotion, and acting less than human, or at least living with Buddhist principles) I don’t think that having the Hope that won’t disappoint actually heals us from all the hopes that do disappoint us, at least not until that One hope comes to fruition. But that happens after we die.
Amen.
It encourages me that hope is only something we need to exercise in THIS life. I believe this now in a way I never could have before my heart was wounded.I see hope more as a gift to help endure – and to FIGHT fear. But oh – I get tired of the constant battle sometimes… with tears. But it makes my heart long for that day when I don’t have to HOPE anymore…
Praying for you Molly.
I haven’t posted before, but I do read your blog.
Thanks for this blog. I have the same questions. In my head I know the hope is found in Christ and His cross. There are times when I think the hope will only be there when we get to heaven. Thanks again for being honest and it is good to know that other Christians think the things I do.
i’m so with you, sweet molly.
He is for us.
Dear Gracious Father,
I thank you for your Word that speaks powerfully in our lives. I thank you that it not only pierces through our soul, heart, and mind it also refreshes us and heals us.
God, I pray that you would reveal the truth of your Word to our sister as she seeks You.
I pray that she would remember that your Word has power, that it spoke us into existence and upholds the universe.
I pray that she would remember that your Word is living and active and that it does not return to you empty.
I pray that she would remember your Word guides us in all truth, wisdom, and light.
Most of all, I pray that she would remember that your Word came to dwell among us. I pray that she would look to Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, and that she would find comfort and help in her time of need. I pray that she would see how you prayed “Not what I will, but what you will” but that it did not end there…No, you saw His obedience and granted Him a seat at your right hand, the name above all names, and all glory.
Lord, I pray you would guide her in the truth that you do not call us to obedience for obedience’s sake…but that you are our Father, and you portion us grace for each day. You do not let any tear, struggle, or small mustard seed of faith go to waste…but you use it for your Glory and for our good. May she know that you are gentle and lowly of heart, and you desire to give our souls rest.
In your name, may it be so.
Amen
Molly, it’s amazing to me how much healing He has already done in you (and countless others who read this blog, no doubt).
And yes, I agree…hope is a tricky thing. I have also felt that if I want something too badly, or focus on it too much, it won’t happen. Why are we like that?!
I’m with you, Molly. And I will pray the prayer from R. Chan for you and for all of us who find ourselves here, for whatever reason. THanks for that prayer, R. Chan.
Slogging is messy. And I’m in the trenches with you. I believe that one day we will find the ladder and see the horizon. Now, if only that day would just hurry up and get here!
I am right there with you. Literally. I’m 20 weeks pregnant with another baby boy, 17 months after losing Grady. I’m scared to hope, but it’s all I’ve got. Day after day, people reprimand me for saying things like, “If this baby lives/if this baby doesn’t live/if things turn out okay this time” etc. They don’t understand my reality and what I’ve lived through. I am hopeful and prayerful, but realistic all the same. I agree with Kendall from a comment above where she said “I see hope more as a gift to help endure-and to fight fear”. That’s exactly how I feel. Praying for you Molly. Your blog has been a blessing to me! More than you know…
Love and blessings,
Tonya
Big, big hugs Molly.
I think you know how I feel. This living with the reality of death and sorrow is not easy. It is a constant battle to fight for our joy in the Lord. I feel so beaten down by circumstances… so afraid to hope for a child to raise. So terrified to believe that Hannah Mae may actually be born alive and that our home will be filled with her precious sounds and smells. It seems when I want something so badly, that’s when it is taken away. BUT we know that’s not how He works. He doesn’t take from us or punish us because we sin. He doesn’t react to us. He is who He is. And he doesn’t change.
Praying for you every night.
love,
ebe
Molly, I’m with you. I’ve been slogging along too and struggling to hope after losing our first baby to miscarriage and waiting for some time now for God to bring another child. Thank you for your honesty and sharing your heart. May God bless your little ones and give you hope in Him.
Well said, Molly! We lost our firstborn son 8 months ago and while I’m not pregnant right now like you, I have thought so many of these things and asked to many of these questions about our loss and whether God will ever allow us to bring a baby home. Thank you for articulating so much of what goes through my mind. I, like you, can’t even begin to act like I have all the answers to these hard questions, but it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. Thanks so much for sharing! It’s so helpful for me as I continue to heal.
I’m definitely with you – amazing thoughts, amazing timing (thank you Lord!)
I’m definitely with you.
One thing that helped me when we got pregnant again after
having loss (which ended up being another loss)
when I would worry about the future or next week or day
my Husband would tell me that we don’t know what’s going to
happen then, but we knew that God had given us a baby
THAT day and we could and should thank Him for that and enjoy
the gift, even if our joy was confined to 12 hours.
There’s no reason to assume that God is going to take your twins
from you but it is prudent to make room for that possibility,
conversely, there is good reason to assume that He will give them to you–
He loves you and wants to give you good things (which children are),
and His goal, is to perfect you as a Christian,
so whatever outcome, you can KNOW it’s toward that end.
I will pray that your pregnancy gets easier as you get along.
Thank you Molly! I have asked those same questions and are still asking them. I totally get the whole not wanting to hope for fear the wanting something too much might be the reason He doesn’t let me have it. I struggle with that all the time. I appreciate that you didn’t tie a neat bow at the end of your post. Knowing others are thinking what I’m thinking, reading about your journey and the other comments, and not feeling like anyone here is trying to cap things off with an appropriate bible verse in order to avoid messyness that might last longer than is comfortable for some….well, I’m just really encouraged. Checking in on this site has been one of the many ways He has shown me His care for me today.
Molly, I’m with ya here. My 5th baby is due any day now, and I struggle with knowing there’s no guarantee we’ll bring him home. The Lord has blessed us with 4 perfect pregnancies, labors and deliveries. Part of me thinks our time has come for Him to teach us a lesson, and that there’s no way we could have a 5th perfect experience. I try to cling to Him, and hope that we can bring this baby home. But I also hope in the truth that if we can’t, I KNOW the Lord will not leave me to die. That’s about all I can do I think. Prayers for the safe delivery of your precious babies!!
I’m with you. After years of battling depression and anxiety, I would hope against hope that each episode was my last. It seemed like God had it out for me, and I could definitely identify with Job who thought that the Lord should choose another target. I have made small amounts of progress over time, especially by fixing my eyes on Christ and the hope of the gospel. I’m not all the way there yet, but knowing that there will be a day when there will be no more sorrow or pain and He will wipe away my tears… it helps.
Solidarity, sister. Those words might as well have been mine.
I was so encouraged by the honesty of your post and then again by the honesty of the comments. I am there as well, 15 weeks pregnant after 3 miscarriages and 2 healthy daughters. I waffle between being excited and being terrified, often afraid that if I presume too much (like that we will have a healthy baby) God is going to take it away just to prove a point. I know the God we serve is not that kind of demeaning, temperamental deity, but I have those thoughts just the same. To hope without being arrogant is a tricky thing, and to separate who God is from my circumstances is no easier. So I pray, and I stumble, and I get up and pray again. Glad there are so many others slogging with me.
I’m with you…
Molly, I’m with you. When you said this: “But I realized this weekend that I am still so afraid to hope for the arrival of the twins. Kind of like, if I want it too much, God’s going to teach me a lesson, smack me on the hand, flex his muscles, and show me who’s boss.” it sounded just like my thoughts. I tried mumbling my way through the mess in my head in this post… http://mandacharlie.blogspot.com/2010/04/heartache-yes-still.html
I haven’t fully figured out how God’s plans and the way my circumstances feel coincide, but little by little, He has been faithful to reveal a little more of Himself to you and me. i see evidence of that in this post.
Keep seeking, I’m right with ya. Hugs.
This has really struck a cord with me. I have always struggled with my feelings of ungratefulness of my beautiful healthy daughter, when reflecting on all the losses and trauma along the way. But the thoughts you have written are so reassuring to me and real blessing. Thanks so much for your honesty and being prepared to write it even without a neat bow to conclude it!
Molly I am with you! I have to purposely everyday give my hope to God. If I try to keep a hold of it I know that my fear will overshadow it and I won’t be able to see it. But if I constantly give it to Him and ask Him to hold on to it for me and instill that hope in my heart when I need it…it seems to work. It’s a constant struggle. While I was going through my loss, a friend of mine gave me this word: “Kristen I love you. I trust you in giving you this suffering and know that you will turn to me over and over. I will be glorified more giving this to you.” She then went on to say that one day she hopes that the Lord trusts her enough in her walk to give her a tragedy that she can walk through in realness, love, and grace.
I know that this does not ease your suffering at all – but your loss has helped all of us who have had a similar loss. Your words are so often our words and your emotions so often our emotions. Our hope is that no matter the tragedy, God will use it in our lives and in the lives of others.
totally and completely with you….every day….battling to hope!!!
Hey, Molly, I’ve too had bouts of fear of hoping. I’ve had some incredible losses and extremely hard knocks in life and felt as if I’m just here for God’s comic relief and that me hoping in him is futile at best. I felt as if with every knock to the ground, that God was teaching me a lesson or trying to break my spirit, and I eventually gave up on hoping for anything but calamity to come my way. Thanks to prayer and my resolve to know the Father for who He IS and not the caricature I had drawn of Him in my mind, I’m still on the path of trusting in the hope that He has promised us as each day presents new challenges. I’ll be praying for you, keep me in prayer as well.
I’m with you…oh, so with you that it hurts…
Oh my, am I with you…so much of what you said resonated with me… deeply resonated. I have stated so many of the things you said. Ahhh… it wears me out at times, balancing the hope with the reality of what may really happen. I KNOW fully, that God can do anything… but is that anything in His plan. I wonder if after all that we have been through we could end up not being able to keep Hope the little girl we have had every intention of adopting. What if His plan was just for us to love her fully, while she is with us and then have to give her up also. But I keep just praying that the Lord will prepare me for whatever His plan is. I could relate to the sucker punch… why does it feel this way.
I know some have seen my deep grief as a lack of faith… nothing could be further from the truth, yet I feel like I am working out my faith, wrestling with God at times. The longer and more I know Him, the more I realize the less I really understand about Him.
Molly, I will pray that you continue to rest in Him, even with all the questions, thoughts and wonderings. I am praying for the safety of your precious babes as well. Lifting you up before our Father!
Sara
I was recently reminded, rather forcefully, that Isaiah 40:31 doesn’t say God will renew our strength when we wait for an event. It says our strength will be renewed when we wait on Him, when God is our goal.
I suspect the same is true about hope (and by hope, I mean the joyful expectancy of the Bible, not the wish kind of hope our society often infers). When we hope in God and not in an event, we cannot lose. It doesn’t mean we won’t be hurt and our plans will always work out and our life will be tied into a neat little present. (That’s the messy part, where we struggle together to reconcile the future-yearning with the present-slog.) But it does mean our eyes are fixed on the right end.
Thank you for always being so authentic and honest, Molly. You shine like a star.
Molly-
I don’t know you. I have commented a few times on here. But truth is I just happened to this blog because I happened on your husband’s (22 words) because I follow John Piper’s blog (Desiring God’s ministries). I don’t personally know any of you.
Yet…your writing makes me feel as if I do know you. I have been reading some of this blog- how God has been doing all kinds of things with you. What I want to say is that you challenge me, Molly. You post these intimate thoughts and feelings of yours as if your most important audience isn’t your subscribers but God Himself. Your openness, your honesty challenge me so much.
My boyfriend broke up with me a month or so ago. God used and has been using that plus family situations/relationships to break me deeply like never before. All of my life I had been very self-centered, religious and self-righteous. I thought I was a Christian…that I had communion with God because I used gospel language, read my Bible, led youth ministry at church, and wasn’t as bad as my brothers. I didn’t know how wrong I was until God clearly used so many “dysfunctional” things in my life to convict me of sin and of my sinfulness. To humble me before God until I understood that I could never win God’s approval. Then He redeemed me, and has made me anew. I am finally free because God held my angry fists against Him and sheltered me with the understanding of His sovereign control and unconditional love for me.
I am still going through post-breakup sadness. Some days are easier than others. Some days I cry. But I am slowly learning that this pain and suffering has a good purpose. At least God’s used it to bring me to Himself. I couldn’t have asked any other blessing. And that comforts me. Yet it is hard to lose someone and be rejected by the person you trusted the most in this world. I feel as if God’s shaking my ground…and all my idols are being exposed- fear of man, comfort, security, relationships. It’s like God calling me so that I would know that “All I have is Christ”.
The reason why I am challenged by your honesty is because I am usually not this way. I tend to hide myself and wear a mask so no one can see the real me. That’s what I’ve done for the past 24 years of my life. No wonder why I have been so restless…and why I haven’t grown up spiritually, emotionally and moved on from being a girl and becoming a woman of God. Anyhow, (and praise the Lord!) I have now found freedom in confession, being honest with God and myself and just being open. Just like you. God’s grace is enough to sustain me.
Thanks so much for sharing what’s inside you and what God is teaching you. I am so blessed by this blog.
oh, molly. wow. i can’t even tell you how much i am with you. girl, i’m so with you we could be riding a tandem bike! ;)
i have bipolar disorder and with the exception of the last few months, the last 5-6 years have been a big black never-ending bottomless pit of depression. every time i thought that i had reached the bottom, i’d fall farther still.
in these few weeks/months of not-exactly-sunlight-but-not-pitch-black-either, God’s shown me some things (not too many though. i still can’t make those years make “sense.”). one of these things was that my thinking was a huge part of my depression. my physical illness could only take me so far down, but my thinking could keep digging the hole deeper and deeper. if my negative thinking was limitless (and it often is) then the pit would be limitless, too.
now, i have to honestly say that i don’t have a clue about how much of my thinking i can “control.” depression makes you crazy! you don’t see things realistically. your perceptions are so altered. can you even break free from that long enough to have a clear, coherent, truthful thought? sometimes i can, but sometimes it feels like there’s no way i can.
but, in His mercy, there are times when God gives my brain enough juice to realize that i’m in a bad negative thought pattern, and to give me a glimpse of the truth to combat the lies of my thoughts. (“things are ALWAYS bad” “things will NEVER get better” “God will NEVER change things”)
it’s not much, but just this awareness has really made a difference for me. sometimes, you can’t get out of the downward spiral. wise words, thoughts that should be comforting, even truths about God, just don’t reach down far enough sometimes.
and that’s ok. God’s mercy extends even to our fumbling and stumbling and struggling just to hang on. He’s holding on to us, not the other way around.
Oh, so with you! Let’s talk. :)
My heart hurts. I don’t know how to live here, right now. I was reading the last chapter of Habbakuk this weekend in the NAS and discovered that verse 16 is pretty different than it is in the NIV (which I usually read). NAS says: “I heard and my inward parts trembled; at the sound my lips quivered. Decay enters my bones, and in my place I tremble, because I must wait quietly for the day of distress, for the people to arise who will invade us.” That made me realize that if the prophet knew what it was like to feel that way, the Lord did, too. (Not that waiting around to go to the cross doesn’t count–it just hadn’t occured to me.) It helps me to know that God knows the feeling of waiting for a future that looks like hell from where I’m sitting. And that he’s here. And that he’s good.
Hi Molly,
I just wanted you to know that 2 years after the premature birth of my son who has profound special needs, I gave birth to healthy identical twin boys. Although they were premature and needed a hospital stay, they came home breathing, eating and sleeping. Despite the sleepless nights, there was no greater healing than the gift that God gave me when he provided me with an opportunity to trust him yet again with these special little boys.I watch them grow, play, laugh and love and am in awe of how big God is and how he knows exactly what we need…even when it comes in two’s!
I will hold you up in prayer and follow your post closely! Thank you for your faith despite all circumstances and for always turning to Jesus for your strength!
Chris :)
you KNOW i’m with you. so glad for the reminder of the distinction between hoping in Him and hoping in tangible earthly blessings from God’s hand. i confuse those constantly.
this post nudged my heart a little. i feel like our family is dealing with grief, although a different kind than that over a lost child or loved one. but the thoughts about hope, and safety in trusting God, are so familiar to me. it’s not so cut and dry within the complexities of grief.
With you, with you…triple, quadruple with you. Sometimes it seems like there is so much sadness around that it’s hard to let go of the fear and cling to the Hope.
Your post resonated with me,too, Molly. I’m going through a grieving/waiting time in my own life, feeling a deep need of healing and not knowing who to talk to or where to go, except to my Abba in prayer. “How long, O Lord?” Someone once pointed out to me that, for a seed to grow and produce, it has to be pushed into a dark place, in the mud, closed up, alone. I’m in that dark place now, hoping for fruit out of this lonely season. Your daring to be honest and hopeful at the same time is serving you and many of us well. Hoping with you for those dear babies, Molly…
“hope” as with “faith” is so difficult. It feels like looking up at a mountain, knowing the difficulty in climbing it. I admit, i am terrified to do both again. It makes me cry just the thought of trying. I am ruled by fear. I know. I know the bible passages that tell me to trust, to hope, the have faith, not to fear..that God hasn’t forgotten me. To step out, wow, it’s terrifying. I want to thank you Molly for your words of encouragement, wisdom.
I like that word,’slogging’. Those are great questions. I could say much about the same questions I had several years ago. But won’t. That’s between you and God. He is a personal God who will answer those questions for you, Molly, in a personal way. In all your ways acknowledge God and He will make your paths straight…I’m with you.
For all of you suffering, I would highly recommend the book, The Art of divine Contentment, by Thomas Watson.
He goes into why comparing our circumstances with others less fortunate is contentment by constraint but not divine contentment.
He lost 4 of his 7 children. He knew suffering and he knew divine contentment.
“Youth is the period in which a man can be hopeless. The end of every episode is the end of the world. But the power of hoping through everything, the knowledge that the soul survives its adventures, that great inspiration comes to the middle-aged.”
-G. K. Chesterton
(Coming of age is a great adventure … of hope. May your soul survive its adventure confident in His rest, His joy, and His praise!)
amen, sister. after having several “false alarms” with older children still not inside the “wicket gate” safely, i often give in to hopelessness. if it wasn’t for several close friends speaking hope to me, i would give in more often. but they help hold my arms up in the battle.
Oh, dear, dear Molly. Your thoughts and musings are so precious and so real!! You are not a sterile Christian. I love that about you and your blog. I’m 54 years old and I need it. It encourages me in many ways. God is walking with you through this dark night and so am I. Blessings to you and yours.
I’m with you. Thanks for being real about where you are with your thoughts. I just lost my baby at 16 weeks pregnant and I so I’m also experiencing the questions of hope as we desire to have another baby. I suppose this is why hope must come from the Lord, we cannot muster up genuine hope. Struggling with you…
Struggling against the same things (a little girl to arrive in 7 weeks)….although with scars that are not so deep. Thank you.
I’ve never experienced a big loss. I have a fear that it is my due, that it’s coming, that God is going to write me my own story of heartbreak. I have a wonderful husband of 1 year, and a precious son of 2 months. I am often afraid that I will lose one of them, because my life seems too perfect right now.
“This I know, that God is for me.” No matter what. Truth, speak to my heart.
Thanks for your honesty, Molly.
Oh, Molly!
That God is:
1. big enough to be outside of my understanding AND my circumstances, but loving enough to care about my pain!
2. hearing and answering my prayers (& the prayers of many saints who prayed that my baby would live) even when the anwswer is “No”.
3. not rejecting or punishing me for daring to hope, for daring to try again. He DID give, and my happiness in his giving was not wrong!
4. not just spitefully using me. He has a plan, and right now PART of his plan for me includes brokeness. He is the healer and I can trust him to work all his grace and mercy in me, in his time.
These are where I am living right now. Thank you for sharing this today. I needed it!!
“I think taking a broader view of God’s world can be incredibly helpful for getting us outside of ourselves, don’t get me wrong. But it’s insufficient by itself for healing when you’re up against some deeply painful personal issues.”
This is so true, Molly. While I have never experienced the grief of losing a child, and hope I never do, I have experienced very deep emotional pain almost all my life. I remember getting counsel from a pastor when I was in the awfulness of depression and was told to count my blessings. While it is a good and right thing to do, it does not heal or take away the pain completely. I needed some tokens, however small, that God still loved me. And He has been so faithful to provide that and many, many large tokens as well. When I think of what I deserve, it truly is mind boggling!!! He loves us SO MUCH! (I am also happy to report that He has set me free from depression)
Anyway, I trust and believe with all my heart you are going to be holding 2 precious baby girls in just 4 short months or so. I pray you can be at peace with no fear. Thank you for being so real and honest. Man, the world needs more Christians like that, who are real about their struggles. Much love and prayers from a sister who has grown to love you.
Up to my knees with you.
Peace of Christ be with you, Molly.
With you.
Thank you.
I have pondered the same things, and still do sometimes. Before we lost Ethan, I can’t say I even felt such duality to emotions before. Trying to be hopeful and trusting, yet desperately wanting to protect my heart from going through it all again. Thank you for being so honest, I think many can identify and it makes this journey feel less lonely.
Thank you for blogging on this today. I pray Phil 4 for you today. It’s encouraging to know our minds and hearts are guarded in Christ Jesus, as we seek our source of strength in the God of the Universe. He’s at hand. He’s all we need.
Grace & Love,
Rosie
I have these same thoughts and questions. It’s been 9 months since our son was stillborn and we’re still not ready to try again. FIVE pregnancies and only ONE of them has brought me a healthy, living child. The thought of seeing a positive pregnancy test scares me to death. I’m afraid to hope. I’m afraid to be excited again…afraid it will all be gone again in an instant. I must admit that right now I’m just hoping for all of my blog friends who are pregnant again after loss. I pray so hard for you!!! Hoping to see all of you who are pregnant end up with healthy, living, breathing babies….then maybe I can take that step. Right now…I’m just scared.
Love you, Molly.
I am so with you on this.. Actually in the thick of this very question lately… I don’t feel like I am running away from God or really running to Him. I am staring Him in the face with a puzzled look. I do know for 31 years I knew a God that always protected, swooped in at danger, you name it. He just made life seem safe. A year ago to the day we lost our 3rd daughter at 31 weeks with no conclusive reason. Reality hitting the face and theology hitting the ground. My perspective on God had been the gospel plus God just always will protect.. It was about me without me every seeing that way. Maybe better put, the gospel plus control freak get what I want momma. The gospel has meant that God will thwart the danger.. give me a big healthy family, protect my husband and this list goes on from there… Is this promised.. absolutely not.. Man, I wish it was. I feel like a shattered pitcher that God is slowly gluing back together.. Gospel only not plus anything.. I am promised the Lord to be with me but not more than that.. Hard place to rest your mind and heart. Still processing and hurting, Could not be more with you on this one. Thank you so much for sharing this.
I’m with you–actually I’m a total stranger who found your blog through Urban Servant, but I’m with you. I was just thinking the other day–this Christian walk is raw. Really, really raw. I have spent my first 27 years as a Christian thinking everything ought to get tied up in a nice, neat bow. My next 27+ must be lived with the experience that life with Christ is very raw.
Came home to me today when at the park and my 3 year old son saw a dead fish. His first experience with death. After he stared at it for 2 minutes he started crying. Heaving crying. Then he said, still heaving, “It’s ok mommy. Jesus can heal him.” I just hugged him. And I thought. Yes, Jesus can heal him. But Jesus won’t. Not this fish. Not today. There’s that tension. I’m totally with you. It’s the whole striking and blessing of Isaiah–beautiful. True. Really hard.
I am. I have been reading your site since the beginning, even before when you were on xanga… commented a couple times, but now I am in the thick of it. I just lost my baby at 15 weeks on good Friday. I don’t really know what I am feeling, just numb right now, but always on the verge of some horrible feeling I can’t describe. I don’t really know how to go through this, but I have a close friend who went through the same thing twice a couple years ago- that is so helpful. I miss my baby… so much- he would have been my 6th… and it really doesn’t help that I have other children, other than keeping me busy. It still makes me unbelievably sad. I have complete faith in the sovereignty of God, I’m not mad at Him, but those questions you wrote at the beginning of your post are so good… I need to work on the answers. Thank you…
Hello. I just recently found your blog–I think from your Dad’s blog.
I am excited for you! And I am deeply sorry about the loss of your daughter.
I lost my first baby at 21 weeks gestation. We were told during a routine ultrasound that he passed away (we had no idea there was any trouble). I got pregnant again five months later, and during the 20 week ultrasound they said my baby had one serious defect and another more minor one. Turns out, they were wrong. He was born healthy. But it was really hard to trust God after that ultrasound and during the early pregnancy weeks leading up to it. I still loved God enormously, but I felt he did everything for the purpose of saving souls, which sometimes meant we needed to be miserable, for him–with grace to sustain us, but still miserable for a season(s).
I now have four children at home and two more in heaven. Praise God! I love being a Momma! The last two were unplanned and were born when I was 40 and 42 years old–both girls! Right now, my kids’ ages are 8, 6, 3, and 16 months.
Other sorrows of different natures have come my way, too. Over time as the sorrows added up, I learned to be content no matter my circumstances. The fear of loss, or of what else might be on the horizon, no longer consumed my thoughts or robbed me of joy. Fact is, there will always be more hardships, because we live in a fallen world. Ultimately, it is our deep love relationship with God that allows us to smile, to hope, to laugh, to persevere. As you suffer you draw closer to him out of necessity. Finally, you’re so close that it doesn’t matter what happens anymore. You know you will always have Him, no matter what. And that becomes enough, as it was for Paul while in prison. Miraculous. Beautiful.
Your hope will come back. Your worry will cease. Your heart will rest. Your soul will soar. It might be four or five years, but it will happen. And you’ll be richer for it.
I think these babies will be just fine.
Praise God for you. Have a blessed weekend!
What a great post….I read it twice…and will be back to read more of your blog…
Ugh, I’m so right there with you and so trying not to be. Why is it so hard to believe that He’s good?
I came to your blog to find a posting for a friends who lost her baby at full term. But, then I read what you just posted and this is my heart’s struggle. I miscarried over a year ago and have not been able to get pregnant since and every month I’m afraid to hope and struggle to wrap my mind around how to hope. My view of God so quickly turns into a God who is out to teach me lessons and bring suffering into my life. Thanks for speaking aloud my heart.
Molly,
I’m 12 weeks pregnant after having a miscarriage last year and slogging with you. Wanting to stay in the reality that the Lord really can and give – and it happens everyday and yet, at the same time, to tread toward hope. I struggle to change my definition of hope from a “happy ending” to the Lord is for me, regardless of what happens.
Hi Molly-
Your post was so right on with what I often perceive God is like. For some reason I often finding myself living as if I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and I hate living that way – as if, if I’m too happy then God will give me a good dose of grief to sober me up. A book that I read that seemed to help clarify some issues and articulate some of the messed up theology I had invented in my head is Philip Yancey’s “Disappointment with God.” Just wanted to offer that as a resource if you haven’t come across it yet.
Praying for you and believing that these precious girls are God’s portion of double blessing for you and your family.
I am with you in that I get the feeling you are describing. I’ve had it before and still get it — the “waiting for the other shoe to drop” feeling, wondering when the next disappointment is coming, hoping it won’t be too big. I get that. But, I also don’t want to stop and stay in the “fearing hope” stage. Does that make sense?
I think our hopes reveal our fears, and our fears tend to reveal what’s most precious to us. And sometimes our “hopes” (wishes/desires) come true, and sometimes they don’t — then we feel like our “hope” (trust) was misplaced. I get that. And when it’s all wrapped around who God is, then we feel like he’s responsible for crushing our hopes/disappointing us, so we ask if he’s really good. I think that’s what’s at the bottom of it for me when I ask “why am I afraid to hope?”
When I find myself doubting God’s goodness, I ask myself “do I deserve the goodness of God? at all? any of it?” For me, that does help me put it in perspective because realizing that none of it is deserved makes me feel less entitled to having every hope fulfilled. However, like you said, it doesn’t help to accomplish full healing — but I also believe that full healing simply doesn’t happen in this life. It just doesn’t. I have unanswered questions and “I don’t knows” about God that aren’t going to go away. (That said, once we’ve experienced more of God’s goodness “post-trauma”, it does help to heal us partially, I think, and it helps to “heal” the hurt from God.) But not fully, not until…
Heaven/eternity. I need a robust (and I do mean robust) view of heaven/new heavens & new earth. Heaven is the only place to escape the “waiting for the other shoe to drop” feeling.
There’s only one hope that doesn’t disappoint (Rom.5:1-5); the hope of the glory of God. In this life, we have disappointed hopes. In the next one, we won’t. Regardless of lack of full healing or unanswered questions about God…I must keep banking on this. And I must keep looking for the goodness of God on a daily basis, in the big and little things (all of which is undeserved, making it that much better.) And, I must be in community with people who will consistently, faithfully, point out the goodness of God in my life when I can’t see it. I like C.S. Lewis’ statement about God not being safe, but being good. I can be free from believing that God is safe — I now know that he is not safe, not in the way I used to assume. It is healthy to fear God a little bit, perhaps? But…I need to hold on to his goodness. If I don’t, I cease to align myself with Him and His kingdom, and that’s where I fall into danger.
Anyways, sorry for the…sermon (complete with C.S. Lewis quote). As you can tell…I’ve thought about this a lot over the past ten years or so.
I had read this post before, and just now got around to reading the comments.
I am with you all too!
The same questions, the same seeking, the same desire to hope, the same effort to hope…
Thank you for sharing hearts together. It is so good to know I am not alone.
i am with you
My friend just sent me your blog. I lost my son during birth on his due date 6 months ago. I’m now 4 months pregnant. I can echo your feelings about hope exactly! I feel like God has given me heaven so maybe all I am supposed to do is patiently wait through the trials of this life and is it wrong to hope for earthly blessings? I started a blog as a creative outlet after his death and is has been wonderful but I am not at a place to share a lot of my story on it… however here are my posts in order about hope…
http://lovelybud.typepad.com/lovely-bud/2010/02/just-maybe.html
http://lovelybud.typepad.com/lovely-bud/2010/03/im-giving-in.html
http://lovelybud.typepad.com/lovely-bud/2010/04/hope-grows-my-california-homestead.html
reading back over them I see how much God has blessed me in the last few months and how much more hopeful I have become. I will be following your story and praying for you!
Again Molly, you have hit the nail on the head. I add my echo to the thanks for posting real thoughts and real questions without answers. In the midst, I have a hard time keeping my eyes fixed on the fact that today is a wisp and the real deal is Heaven and seeing Him face to face.
Often I remind myself of Philippians 4:8, “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Yes, today is hard, but God is sovereign. Praise be to Him.
Reading your thoughts and thankful for your honesty and insights. Thank you! Praying for you and your family.
Hi Molly,
I’ve never commented on here before but I just want to say thank you for this post. My circumstances are nothing like yours, my sadness surrounds being made redundant from a youth ministry position at my church about 14 months ago. I am still healing and grieving and so much of what you wrote in this post resounds deep in my heart. I think that I have only recently acknowledged that I’m finding it hard to trust God again, largely because I really felt as though it was where he wanted me to be (despite what others thought) and I worry that trusting him again might lead to similar circumstances and hurt. I can recognise that I have had trouble praying for myself and the desires of my heart – it’s probably all connected!
Just this week I have had an answer to prayer that I was hesitant to pray for because I realised I was not asking for something that would increase his kingdom or bring about his glory (just to restore a whole bunch of precious photos which I had lost from my computer!). Despite this being a frivolous request on one hand it really represents a big step in learning to trust again!
I have a long way to go, but want to reassure you too that God is patient with us and he patiently waits for me to slowly trust him again because that’s when he can work most powerfully in our lives.
Thanks again.
This was incredibly helpful for me to read, especially the part about how a “get over yourself” attitude could potentially cheat you out of true healing. That’s a really helpful perspective shift for me. Thank you for sharing!
Molly, this is only the second blog post of yours that I’ve read, but wow, rarely do I read someone’s blog and feel like they are writing out my own thoughts? When you said this: “..if I want it too much, God’s going to teach me a lesson, smack me on the hand, flex his muscles, and show me who’s boss”…wow. I have had pretty much that exact thought. Not recently, but it definitely shaped me. I remember telling my best friend (and God) – “I don’t want any more freaking lessons!” (I am not sure my language was that tame, actually.) It was so hard to not see my sanctification as a burden…like, why should I want to be sanctified if this is the cost? I just wanted God to leave me alone and “work on” someone else.
I don’t have any answers or nice bows to put on this either, but thank you for expressing so well all of the things that I have thought over the past years.
[...] – is currently pregnant with TWIN GIRLS! Amazing!) But in one post she talked about being afraid to hope and the process you go through with healing and the questions you ask God. One of my favorite parts [...]
[...] 6 months ago one of my favorite bloggers, Molly Piper had a post up about hope. She lost her daughter to stillbirth at 40 weeks and wrote this as she was 20 weeks pregnant with [...]
Wow. Sitting here crying my eyes out. I am 27 weeks pregnant with a seemingly healthy baby after bunches and bunches of loss. And yes, this is exactly how I feel:
I remember feeling, in my darkest days of depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), that hope is what God tells you to do so he can distract you, then sucker punch you in the gut with reality.
Thank you for stating it so eloquently!
[...] i wanted to share a comment i made on a FANTASTIC post made by Molly at mollypiper.com (John Piper’s daughter-in-law). You can view the post here: http://mollypiper.com/2010/04/i-hope-who-me [...]
I’m with you. We just lost our first child at 31 weeks of pregnancy, with no apparent cause. I am terrified about how to approach the rest of this life, much less any future pregnancies, because it seems that all that is left is potential loss. Of course, that doesn’t factor in God…but it is hard to believe in a happy ending now.