Feb 10, 2010
Why I Didn’t Blog My Pregnancy: Time was slipping away.
Last week I wrote about the fear that kept me from blogging about being pregnant. This is another post written during my post-Felicity pregnancy, the one that brought the blessed arrival of Morrow. Morrow is now 17-months-old. So this post is old.
The first reason was fear; the second reason I didn’t post about my pregancy was time.
* * *
Aside from the fear of telling people about our upcoming arrival, I also had a deep longing during this unique season to focus on my daughter.
From the time this pregnancy started, I’ve felt this desire to protect her place in my life and heart, not ever wanting to feel like I was trying to replace her.
I’ve also known that these months where I could focus my energies more on her and her memory were limited. Especially as we got closer to having our second son, I kind of wished that I could be pregnant longer, just so I could keep focusing on Felicity.
I knew that the instant he arrived, my affections and heart would be different, because I would have so much love for him. But what would happen to the feelings I still want to have for Felicity? Will there be room enough for all of them? I almost felt like her territory was being encroached upon. Not that this would be the fault of our next child AT ALL; I just felt like her little spot in my life would get even smaller. And as her mother, I dreaded that.
I never, ever want to leave her behind. And in some ways, I know I won’t. But in other ways it’s inevitable that our life will move on. And I’ve wanted to hope so badly that it will be good when it did.
I just finished an excellent book by Jerry Sittser called A Grace Disguised. A dear sister gave it to me. Her full-term daughter Addie died due to complications during birth just over a year ago. Anyway, if you have ever experienced any kind of loss, this is an excellent book. One of the closing statements really shed light on what I just described.
The accident remains now, as it always has been, a horrible experience that did great damage to us and to so many others. It was and will remain a very bad chapter. But the whole of my life is becoming what appears to be a very good book.
Since I’m writing this before the arrival of this child, I don’t know how all that is going to shake out. I suppose you’ll hear more about it in the coming months. I’m thankful for the book that God is writing. I never thought it would include a chapter like Felicity’s, but it has. By no means is the chapter finished, but now there is another chapter called “Morrow.”
* * *
Reading this post again after so much time has passed is very interesting. I thought that having another child would be so healing for me. And ultimately, it was. But I was expecting it to be healing in the short run, too, and it wasn’t. In reality, having another child sent me into a new wave of grief after his birth.
It was after his birth that I finally came to terms with my depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It was after his birth that I got the most counseling (professional and non-professional). His birth didn’t remove me from the pain of losing Felicity, it blew the lid off of it.
I thought I was focusing on Felicity in the year after her death when I was pregnant with Morrow. Looking back on it, what I can remember at least, I was still in shock. I was pregnant (And happy to be!) 3 months after her death, but it caused me to focus on the pregnancy and what was ahead more than focusing on healing from the wounds of the past. So much so that when we got through the pregnancy with the hoped-for result (a living baby), all the pain of the pregnancy with the unhoped-for result forced its way to the top.
And that had to happen. I had to come to terms with the deep pain and loss. And I did that with a new baby at my breast.
In some ways, he saved my life. He ushered me into the darkest, most painful places I’ve ever been, where I wrestled and struggled and thought for sure I would die. He was my constant companion through those dark, dark days—grunting, smiling, filling his diaper. It was like his presence and the regularity of his need for me kept me alive, kept me waking up every morning, forced me to go to my counseling appointments (since I only had a small window until he’d need me again), and gave me a reason to want to get to the other side.
He was God’s little catalyst for my healing, ultimately.
So there I was, my whole pregnancy with Morrow, worrying about having enough time to grieve. Turns out, God had hardly begun the mega-process I was in. He gave me just the right time, with just the right people, and one very special baby who remained a mystery to all of you while God knit him together.
Oh, Molly. I love you, friend. Thank you for sharing this. I have a dear friend who lost her baby last March 6. She’s due with baby #2 (scheduled c-section March 1). I know this pregnancy has been so hard for her in so many ways, and I know that she has so much pain (and joy) ahead.
Please pray for her and her husband with me. Thank you!!
p.s. That picture of you and M is beautiful.
Thank you for this. I’m not feeling very articulate at the moment, but want to comment anyway. Your openness/honesty/realness reaches to my inner soul, Molly. Thank you for sharing your life with us. God is working though you to teach and heal others. I love you, still think about Felicity every day, and am blessed by your writing.
I’m crying and smiling all at the same time. That pic is BEAUTIFUL.
This may be the best post I’ve ever read.
You do a wonderful job sharing your heart, the hurt and the joy in it, with us.
Thank you. And Morrow is adorable (well…all your kids are).
So this was my favorite post you’ve ever written. I can’t even explain why-I’m just crying. What a beautiful way to honor both Morrow and Felicity at the same time. I hope I can love and mother Sam like you love and mother your children.
P.S. Did I take this picture of you and Morrow? I have the same picture of you guys on my computer?
Yep, you did! One of my favorites of him & me!
Precious. Thank you so much for this post. I, too, have birthed a healthy baby (hallelujah!) since the death of my daughter in 2007. I think, all too often, people – especially grieving mothers ourselves – tend to believe a new baby will accelerate the healing process, and it does, but certainly not in the way we initially think. There is more. And you gave the “more” a voice with this post. So, thanks for that. :)
I can relate so much to what you’ve written here. I became pregnant with our fourth child just 2 months (6 weeks) after our second and third daughters were stillborn (identical twins). I hid my pregnancy for a long time- well, not HID…but I didn’t tell people i was pregnant unless they asked and I did not blog about it. I was protecting my time to grieve…and it turns out that, like you said, the grieving had just begun.
The book A Grace Disguised was so helpful to me. Still is.
Thank you for sharing. I always get so much out of your posts.
-erika
theurthmama.com
Molly,
Thank you so much for sharing this. As a mom who has lost a son shortly after birth and is about to deliver his littler sister in three weeks, I needed to hear this. So much of what you shared resonated with me… particularly with having Isaac’s territory encroached upon, not wanting to replace him, and the fear/worry about having enough love for all of them.
I don’t think many people realize that being pregnant after losing a child is HARD… trying to still grieve the child you’ve lost and still long for, while waiting with hopeful anticipation to see what God will allow to unfold with this precious new life. And even now, I have experienced a resurfacing of my grief in a fresh way as we take steps to prepare to meet our daughter… steps we never got to take when preparing for Isaac’s birth.
Thank you for your openess… God is using your words to bring healing and hope to other moms who have lost a child.
~ Stacy
PS- I love A Grace Disguised as well!
Hey Molly- I really appreciate you sharing the process that you have gone through over the past few years. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I’m struggling through infertility right now. Even though it’s not the exact same grief you have been through, your words are a huge comfort to me.
what a sweet sweet picture of you and Morrow!
Thanks for finding the time, the emotion and the words to bring those of us who love you a little clearer picture of how to pray. Wish I was closer – I would swoop you off to the spa today for a facial a massage and a hair cut …..and I would find a sitter so we could go together!
your a brave woman, and your courage will sustain you because it is rooted and grounded in Christ. You honor the Lord in what you write here. I am thankful you are in my life, however loosely, and am grateful for all God teaches me through your posts.
Wow, what a profound post. I think I might’ve stopped breathing when I read the line, “God’s little catalyst for my healing.” After losing our firstborn Dylan, I also got pregnant after only 3 months. What I feared most was that we weren’t given enough time to grieve. Now, I know that to a certain extent, we’ll be grieving for our lifetime.
But, the hope that resulted from having our daughter has been healing and incredible. It’s a difficult process to mourn a child while nursing another. We’re survivors, we really are. Thank you for sharing this, and I’m sorry this comment is a little all over the place!
Kat @ In Dylan’s Memory
Thank you, Molly. Well written and an echo of my heart. I feel so much the same way about Peyton. :)
Thank you, Molly. Love and prayers.
“God’s little catalyst for my healing.” Thank you Molly, for sharing. May you continue to heal (as much as we can, this side of heaven.)
I SOOO get this! After losing Isaac, I became pregnant with Benjamin 3 months later and their birthdates are almost exactly a year apart and I had a very hard time after having Ben. I was sure having him would help me heal and it did not, in fact it drug up a lot of things I had not dealt with and I had to fully mourn Isaac before I could really open my heart to Ben. I feel awful that the first few months of Ben’s life were so tough. I made myself wait longer after having Asher to even think of getting pregnant, but then, in God’s timing, I became pregnant unexpectedly. I just wanted to be fair to Hope, I don’t feel I was to Ben, I was putting expectations on him that he did not ask for. I now see the perfect place he holds in this family. Praying for you as you continue to grow your family and follow God. :) Love and prayers to you! :)
Thank you for your post. I stumbled across it as I was surfing this afternoon. I am 18 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child. My first pregnancy went perfectly, my last one ended with my daughter dying with just a week and a half before her due date. This current pregnancy has been really emotional and difficult… it is hard to describe the feelings of anxiety, guilt, and joy that can somehow twist into a constant state of emotion. I appreciate hearing your post and your feelings during pregnancy as well as after the birth of your son.
I relate so much to what you say. I got pregnant again a few months after losing my daughter Kali. So many emotions were in the mix. In the end, God sorted them all out, but it took much time and energy. May you continue to teach the world what this is like. Friends really do want to know.
reading your blog shows me that when we go through those moments where we feel like we are going to ‘die’, there is always hope to be happy after wards. There is hope for me… I’m so glad you are growing Godward for the next chapter of your life. I love your family.
I thank God, that we are not alone with our grieve and that there are others to relate to. Thank you for your post today!
I can’t believe I’m crying but I am. I’ve just had the most precious day with Jack and I know that I’ve bonded with him in a way nobody else in the world has. And I think I’m realizing that he is causing me to think more on Asher than Zoe ever did. maybe timing? maybe it’s because he’s a boy? maybe because I know my time with him too may be limited? I don’t know. But my heart resounded some of the things you were saying you were experiencing AFTER you thought you had already experienced it. (focus on the memories, etc..) It’s like the innocent needs of someone helpless has a way of touching us and bringing up those memories.
Thanks for sharing this. Love you. Morrow is soooooo cute!!! I want to squish him. {and thanks for your encouragement for 111}
beautiful post. beautiful children. thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your very meaningful post. Through your insight, you truly help and allow others to encourage those going through similar grief.
Oh Molly, how your words speak to my soul. I was terrified of leaving Gavin behind after I became pregnant with Emerson. I was so fearful of everyone around me forgetting about him, my precious third son with whom I only got to have 26 short days. I wish I could say that I have made progress in my grief since her birth, but the depression continues to take hold of me. Bless you for continuing to share and reminding me that I am not alone nor completely abnormal as I struggle to work through my grief.
Blessings,
Amanda
Forever missing Gavin 4/7-5/3/08
Oh my . . .just beautiful! Thank you.
Molly, you have taught me so much about grief. Thank you for sharing these personal stories. I feel them weave themselves into my heart and soul.
I went through my own personal trauma just a few weeks after my son was born (6.5 years ago). Without his constant neediness (in a good way), his bubbles and his innocence, I’m not sure I would have survived. God gave him to me at just the right time.
Which is just like our God.
what i appreciate about your writing, molly, is the content, yes, but also your transparency. thank you for choosing to share this post… even if it came at a later date. learning from you, neely.
There is nothing I can say that will help–I know that. I do want to thank you for sharing your experience and for posting that picture of Morrow that really makes me smile after a tearful post.
Thank you for this post. We lost our daughter in January, and are reeling from this loss. The most common comment I am hearing is “Oh you’re young you can try again.” This makes me want to scream, but your post gives me hope that Ireland won’t be forgotten, and that healing and restoration will happen. Thank you for that.
Jessica
PS. A dear friend of ours who is in heaven with Jesus, well his name was Morrow. :) Good name!
Thank you for sharing, Molly. It was beautiful. Praying for you.
Becky
ps. Morrow is absolutely adorable!
truly amazing how God chooses to heal and redeem and bless. To Him be the glory!
Wow. This is my first time ever to your blog and reading those posts side by side is so revealing! Your transparency is proof of growth alone! You and your baby are SO CUTE!
Thank you for sharing all that you have experienced good and bad. Your strength is amazing. Just know that your courage and your words do not go unnoticed, and we appreciate all that you do for your readers.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for shaing all your deepest thoughts with us. I lost my first little girl Poppy just 7 hours after she was born last March. It is approaching the anniversary and her irst birthday and we are wondering how to mark it. Sometimes I am surprised I am still here to see that day. I have chosen not to try to get pregnant again as I have not felt ready until now to share my heart. I thought I was ready ome three months later but something new would crop up and throw me into the depths of pain all over again. I feel like I have really been in the deepest darkest pit and somehow come out again. I do not think my grieving is over in the slghtest but I feel I am through the worse of it, she has found a little part in my heart where she will stay forever but I just about feel ready to share my love again. I am mostly terrified about getting pregnant again, and I am not naive enough to realise it won’t be the answer but I also feel ready to start the next chapter in our life. We owe it to Poppy to smile again. I am just so grateful to hear that I am not the only one to have experienced this, although it sometimes feels you are and it is important to know that one way or another, whether its 3 months later, 12 months, before or after having another child the pain and grief will find you and make you thrash all thoe emotions out.
…..just thank you and God bless you x
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