Feb 22, 2010
What’s With Dress Clothes for Boys? I Search for Clothes and Belonging.
Every year around major holidays, there’s a particular sting for a mom missing her only daughter. It comes when I set out to find a decent-looking set of clothes for my sons to wear.
Here’s the criteria I’m usually looking for:
- Nothing with cartoon characters on them (or skulls & crossbones, thank you very much).
- Something affordable (I don’t want to spend more than $20-25 per kid), but still made nicely.
- Something handsome, usually with a tie and collared dress shirt (Orison loves a good clip-on).
You’d be surprised how difficult this quest can be. I try department stores, and then the lesser-expensive department stores (Target, Kohl’s), and then move onto stores like Marshall’s.
What I hoped would be a fun way to buy some cute clothes for my kids usually turns into frustration and anger, though. I spend five minutes just trying to find the boys’ dress clothes amidst the sea of girl dress clothes. Eventually I might find a rack or two, and I’ll think from looking at the front, “Oh, this one looks nice…” and then I turn it over and there’s a HUGE applique on the back that says something like “Little Devil” with a demon face on it. What?!?! Do people buy this stuff???
I’m sure the equivalent for little girls would say something like “Perfect Angel” or something sweet like that. Because we all know that girls are just so sweet and perfect, and boys so…not???
I’m sorry, I know it probably sounds like I’m bitter. I’ll admit it, I get angry. It really sucks to go in the kids’ clothes section at all sometimes. And then to be so poignantly reminded that I have no business shopping on 90% of the racks hurts even more. It’s like there’s a big sign slapped on all those racks:
“You Don’t Belong Here.”
I know there are other women like me, living without their only daughter. There’s a particular hole for a mom, a woman, who loses her chance to raise her little girl. So many hopes and dreams die with that little girl.
One thing I’ve learned on my journey is that if I take the time to listen to what’s going on in my heart, all this anger and frustration, and let God pull me deeper, past the self-protectiveness of the anger, I get down to the pain of it. If I will get honest with God there in my anger, he always shows me just how much I’m hurting. Somehow the wall of anger crumbles and I’m left in the rubble, weeping.
Because underneath the anger is always the pain. I can stay there in the anger and grow bitter and hard (trust me, the temptation is there), but God has helped me see that it’s always better to let myself feel all of the emotions (first the anger) and then search for what’s really going on in my heart. Pretty much 100% of the time, under the anger is pain. More pain to feel, more tears to cry, more aspects of the loss that I need to grieve.
Sometimes I don’t want to go there. Sometimes I just want to rant and rail against my situation. Sometimes I just want to buy clothes for my sons. It’s hard and frustrating. Sometimes it feels like there’s nowhere to go from the pain–it can rise up anytime or anywhere. Grief is not just for grieving places, like the cemetery. It happens in other stranger places–you know, places like Kohl’s.
I suppose the other option would be to pretend like I don’t feel the anger. “No, no, no…it’s bad to be angry. God took Felicity away and I have to be happy and content with that.” If I decide on this option, I also miss the chance to grieve, just like I would have if I would’ve stayed hard and angry and bitter.
But Jesus doesn’t turn away the grievers. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” I am called blessed. And I’m promised His comfort.
This is blessed assurance. It’s like a great big sign at the foot of the Cross that say:
“You Belong Here.”
Your hope in the midst of your pain brings me great comfort and hope for future grace. Thank you for proclaiming His goodness – coming from you, it bears much weight…
Thank you for the reminder that there is hope underneath the anger, frustration and pain. I am so sorry for your loss. I am also envious in a way … that people resonate and care for you in your pain, because it is pain that is explainable … it makes sense to them. Some experience great pain that is misunderstood or even condemned by others. That adds a layer of rejection to get past, rubble that is deeper underneath it, but God is still there.
Molly, I love you for this! (Of course, I already love you to pieces!)
My boys all love their clip-on ties, which I’ve mostly found at thrift stores. It’s become a form of entertainment watching my six and eight year olds get ready for church!
Hi Molly,
I found your website through a friends blog. It has been helpful for me to read though some of your posts and relate somewhat to the grief and pain you have gone through. It was a completely different situation than yours, but last July we found out at 18 weeks that our little boy was a partial molar pregnancy.
We have a almost two year old girl so it also stings a lot when I go shopping and see all of the cute boy things.
Thanks for your post and for your blog.
What an encouraging post!! I have two daughters and lost our precious boy in a miscarriage. Someone today told me I needed a little boy to round out my family…….I gently told her my little boy was with Jesus. Thank you for sharing your experience……it is such a blessing to me.
Molly,
I have found my way to your blog a couple of times, through various other blogs, but this is the first comment. This post resonated with me, and I am finally motivated to write a comment. Sorry it took so long. I have two boys, Owen is 4 and Everett is 3, and our third baby, a girl, was stillborn at 36 weeks on Mother’s Day last year. I can remember having discussions with my husband (after finding out our baby was a girl) that I felt liberated to be able to browse through the “girl” aisles of toys and clothes. The glitter-plastered, pepto-colored aisles I would have drooled over as a child. It seems insignificant in the scheme of things, and yet can send tears down my cheeks in places like Kohl’s… or Wal-Mart. The pain of losing Amelia is still fresh at times, and I don’t know why it comes and goes like it does, but after reading a few blogs, like yours, I guess I can plan on the grief popping up unexpectedly for a while. I have found God to be more real to me during the past months than at anytime in my life. He has comforted me and listened to me complain and whine like a baby. He is still the same, and that is what I rely on.
I am also 15 weeks pregnant with baby #4. Also wondering a little bit about how it feels to go through a pregnancy after losing one. Any suggestions, any special precautions? They deemed Amelia’s death as completely spontaneous. She had no abnormalities, and appeared healthy. Possibly a cord issue – ?
Thanks for blogging and sharing your heart.
Sherri Heath
Dear Molly,
I’m so sorry for your loss and pain, but perhaps another option is acceptance, only in acceptance lies peace. You have two wonderful boys. It was a great encouragaement to me to see how you are training them to love God’s word. Orison is amazing!!!
Perhaps you could define “acceptance”. And how is “acceptance” an alternative to “loss and pain”?
This “option” sounds so simplistic. It reminds me of a quote I read recently:
“For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, easy, elegant and wrong.”
I don’t want to pick on you, but every now and then I see comments here like this, that simply suggest to Molly that she just needs to think about her loss differently, or that her grief is somehow disobedient, or maybe it’s time to move on. Not often, but I’ve seen it.
When you lose a child, grief is part of your life for as long as you’re on this side of heaven.
As I see it (and Molly can correct me on this), this blog is sometimes a place where Molly shares her heart in an effort to enlighten those who desire to understand grief and loss and/or to validate those who have experienced the death of a loved one.
It seems to me that there is a stigma attached to Christians who actually admit that pain is painful. It’s like we’re giving God bad press if we suffer and communicate deep sadness.
Molly hasn’t screamed out on this blog, “My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me?” But, goodness, we all know who did cry out those words. But, perhaps another option: Jesus could have screamed out, “God you are Good ALL OF THE TIME!” or “I’m doing GREAT! Don’t worry ’bout me. I know how this ends, so I’m not sweatin’ it!”
I guess, in all this, I want to say loudly that grief does NOT equal lack of faith, or disobedience. It’s only logical that when someone is deeply wounded by the loss of a loved one, they would experience varying levels of sadness until he or she reaches heaven.
So true. I don’t think that feeling loss and pain means we aren’t at peace. We can feel amazing peace in the midst of loss and pain.
On a lighter note, I have a hard time finding clothes without skulls and crossbones for my four boys as well! Especially the ten year old. The younger ones, not so much. But the older boys … and what happens on the day he wants skinny jeans? Lord, let that fad pass within a few years’ time!
We had a baby girl three months ago. For the first time, I’ve browsed the girl aisles for something other than a baby shower. So sweet, like you said. And feeling I “belong” there is so unusual. But I tell you what … it’s hard to find something that doesn’t have ridiculous screen printing on it there, either! My least favorite thing is something written across the rear end.
Okay, that wasn’t what this post was about. I’m sorry. It was really, really beautiful.
Jenna, thanks for your comments. I’m certainly no expert, I only speak from my understanding of life and scripture. Acceptance for me has had an element of giving up control to God and being satisfied with His path for me. It has brought me peace in place of anger and frustration. Yes, you are right that there will always be some measure of pain this side of our final redemption because “we don’t belong here” we are made for another place.
*Hug*. What a beautiful post.
This post makes me laugh (devil appliques) and cry. That must be so hard Molly. Seeing little girl clothes makes me long for a baby girl that I dint have, but you have the real pain and longing from loss of your Felicity. And to remeber you are blessed an comforted is the right course, I believe. One idea I had while I was reading was maybe do your clothes shopping online. Heck during sales and you can find well made, logo free clothes from Children’s Place (they have great sales) and Gymboree, Gap and Olld Navy even have good sale items. If you buy ahead for the next season you can sometimes do really well with prices. This way you can click on “boy” and not even have to see all of the girl stuff. Are you guys going to find out the sex of this next one? I have good news too, pregnant but still very early. Only five weeks or so. I had some bad cramping the other night so I’m trying not to get too attached to the idea. Lots of love.
I know it’s a total side-note to the ultimate point of your post, but I do have to agree that the Children’s Place is great for cute, reasonably priced clothes. It can be SO hard to good boy clothes, I know!
This post makes me laugh (devil appliques) and cry. That must be so hard Molly. Seeing little girl clothes makes me long for a baby girl that I don’t have, but you have the real pain and longing from loss of your Felicity. And to remember you are blessed an comforted is the right course, I believe. One idea I had while I was reading was maybe do your clothes shopping online. Check during sales and you can find well made, logo free clothes from Children’s Place (they have great sales) and Gymboree, Gap and Olld Navy even have good sale items. If you buy ahead for the next season you can sometimes do really well with prices. This way you can click on “boy” and not even have to see all of the girl stuff. Are you guys going to find out the sex of this next one? I have good news too, pregnant but still very early. Only five weeks or so. I had some bad cramping the other night so I’m trying not to get too attached to the idea. Lots of love.
“listen to what’s going on in my heart”–thanks for the reminder. It takes so long to uncover that sometimes, but it makes such a difference.
One of our deepest hurts is in having a daughter and grandkids that we don’t get to see because of a broken relationship. We are grandparents, but don’t have pictures and stories to share. We don’t get to hug them or go to their birthday parties or buy them presents or tell them stories. Missing a wedding and showers and everyday conversations…
We may never see them in this life, and our greatest hope is that they will find Jesus and really know his love forever.
Boy clothes make me feel very similarly. I miss my little man so much. I had picked out a cute outfit for Owen that closely resembles Morrow’s in this picture, except it had a vest too. The thoughts of all those clothes he never wore just eats me up inside. And even with having the hope of raising Hannah, I still grieve when I pass the children’s section because it’s not where I belong…yet…
You’re right, beneath the anger is loads and loads of hurt and pain.
grieving with you Molly,
ebe
Molly, I don’t know you personally but I just wanted to comment tonight and say that I am so blessed to have found your blog. Thank you for sharing your heart and your grief with us. Although I have not experienced loss the way you have, your words help me understand more deeply the others in my life who have. You have a beautiful heart and I appreciate your honesty. Blessings to you, Molly.
Hi Molly,
Thanks for your blog–I have enjoyed it for a while now. I know the main point of your post is about grieving, and I don’t want to diminish that. On the note about boy’s clothes though, I can relate! I just saw something the other day I really liked, and then realized the little pattern was skulls and bones….I’ve found that places like Macy’s and GAP (like The Children’s Place as others have mentioned), and Gymboree have more clothes that don’t have appliques. I find sales at these places that rival sale prices at Target.
Blessings to you and your family!
oh Molly. I might not ever be able to read through your posts without tears. not that I mind at all. It’s just one of those things that will probably always happen with us. tonight it was the picture of you and Morrow, your mention of Addie, and just a general understanding of your fear, hesitation and mixed emotions in pregnancy. thank you for writing and sharing. as I write, this little 1 pounder-dude is kicking around inside me. I’m sorry you’re struggling through this time with gastritis. yuck. It sounds like no fun. say hi to your boys for me. oh, and I signed up for the tear study (did I already tell you that?) love, Kristin
Thank you! the tears are dropping down my cheeks.
9 months after she died I sometimes have to just walk as fast as I can through the girlclothes racks in search of boys clothes. They are hard to miss. Sometimes I have to touch the clothes and imagine her in them.
Under the anger is always the pain. Thank you for letting me cry today,
I love your blog, Molly. Thanks for being so real! I can only imagine how you must feel…I had a miscarriage my first pregnancy and seeing anything baby related made me so sad for a long time. Just a quick idea about boy clothes- do you have an H&M around you? I think they have some really unique, cute boy stuff that’s reasonable!
~Hannah
Molly, I have been following your blog for some time, and love your faith and spirit in how you live with loss. I have been following a Caringbridge site for a young woman who recently lost a newborn and she has started a new blog, http://hlhsmommy.blogspot.com/ If you ever feel so compelled, I think you would possibly have some perspectives that could be helpful to her. Her name is Angie, husband Ryan, and baby Hazel. Blessings to you.
. . .sending you love and a warm hug from someone far away . . . :)
(Sidenote: at Old Navy in Canada at least, I saw some supercute boy clothes, including a shirt with wee tie, seemingly reasonably-priced.)
I have this same dilemma with buying clothes for my one son. Even 2T clothes too often look like teenager clothes from the local public school. What’s with that?
And as for the pain, I have lost 5 babies (I don’t even know how many of them were my daughters – and weep over the lost pigtails and bows and patent leather Mary Janes), and I just hate shopping now. Most of the time I try to do internet shopping if I can, to have more control over what I see and what I sift through. Seeing the clothes that I “could have” been buying is so hard.
But thank you for the beautiful post, for sharing your heart, for starting conversation, and for identifying with so many of us bereaved mamas.
The Lord bless you.
Thanks for your honesty and allowing emotions to flow. You go, girl!!! Thanks, too, for pointing us to Jesus, who is touched with the feeling of our infirmities. Right there with ya, Molly!!!
I know I’m behind here, but there is the Easter dress clothing dilemna as well, coming up. I found too, when my son was young, not many choices for nice things for him, so I made them. It does take a bit of looking for nice things at a good price. The Gap and Children’s place werent around like today for my son, they are great choices.
I don’t know how it feels to lose a child, I can only accept what you say about the pain. I believe this is by design, and I am now thinking of Chelsea King, a local girl who had moved a couple years ago to CA and was found dead yesterday, after going for a run in a local public park. By design, those of us who haven’t experienced this loss aren’t allowed to know, because then life for all of us would feel so hopeless. We feel a heartbreak and a pit in our stomach, but a minute one compared to yours and in the King’s case, theirs. I have read your stories and every time feel a sadness for you. God bless you.
Molly, thank you for your honesty, transparency, and real-ness. Honest because you write what we all feel, transparent because you pull back the veil from your heart and God uses your words to pull back the veil on mine, and real-ness in that you are who you are. So thank you.
Molly…I can so relate. Oh, how I miss the pink clothing in my laundry basket, and the ‘girliness’ that little Jenna injected into our household in the short time she was here. I am blessed with three boys – Jenna’s older brothers. But I miss my little girly, having her was a dream come true and now she is gone.
That sounds so woe-is-me-ish, doesn’t it? I am really at peace and I trust that God allowed it to happen for reasons that I can’t see yet. I have found acceptance.
Still, there is this ache in my heart that will always be there, and I’m OK with that, because it means that Jenna isn’t forgotten.
I get what you are trying to say, I really do.
HUGS!
How true! I don’t have a girl, but do know the frustration of trying to find cute nice boy clothes that are acceptable. You hit it right on the dot. Now just add shoes to the mix. I can never seem to find nice, affordable, cute shoes that don’t have characters on them. Then there is the selections-SMALL!
amen, molly. well put. thanks for sharing this beautiful process of the LORD’s grace and kindness to us. i love you and your boys (and shopping for them for Christmas gear at marshalls :) ) and felicity, who is dressed in glorious array even now.
It seems like anger can be a “protection” from pain, but pain returns and the tears sting. Just when we think we’ve made some strides toward relinquishing grief, we’re smack dab in the midst of reminders… again. Smack dab in the midst of something unexpected and the hurt like chest crushing breathlessness and mind piercing pain returns.
Grief is stirred up. We cry hot tears (or choke them away, sometimes, if possible, when we’re in public). Anger is quenched and we are comforted again as we remember where we belong.
Blessings.
I could have written this post, Molly. I have two boys, Ethan 3 1/2 and Caleb 1 1/2 and a daughter who was born between them(Elizabeth should be 2 1/2). I have a box of her clothes in my closet. I bought a bunch of girly things after I found out we were having a girl. When I came home from the hospital without her, they were still in the bags in my room. I threw them in a corner with my maternity clothes! I now have them neatly packed away and long for her to come back. I recently bought some dresses for a future hoped-for girl.
I still am tempted by the pretty dresses and also get frustrated by skull dress shirts and dress pants with Mickey on them! Do boys clothes designers really think I have to have a cartoon caracter on every article of clothing?! :)