Jan 22, 2010
Why I Didn’t Blog My Pregnancy: Fear
This post was written right after the birth of our third child, Morrow. Today he turns 17 months old. So this post is about that old.
I never published it—not sure why.
For those of you newer to our story, our third child was born 8.22.08, 11 months after the stillbirth of his sister, Felicity. But… I kept my pregnancy a secret from my blogging audience until the day I was going in to deliver.
Here’s the original post, written sometime in late 2008.
* * *
Many of you were probably a little bit surprised by the news of our third child’s arrival. I am too.
There are a few reasons I haven’t blogged about it.
1. Fear.
Women who have experienced the death of a child often deal with irrational thoughts. I’ve dealt with so many since Felicity’s death. Many of them have been those “if only” thoughts:
If only I had gone into the hospital the night I was having some painful contractions, maybe they just would have let me stay and I’d have her right now.
Others have been more like:
My baby died inside of me. My womb is a place of death.
So much of me has struggled to believe that the birth of a healthy, living child could ever happen for us again.
Maybe God will never do this for me. I’m going to live with the agony of another stillbirth so that he can keep making an example out of me and my suffering.
I don’t want to be an example. I want to be the mother of more than one living child.
So, though I don’t believe in jinxes, I shied away from announcing my pregnancy for a long time, mostly because I was afraid to actually say the words and then have God snuff it out because I was presumptuous and he was going to teach me a lesson about that.
I know these thoughts don’t reflect a belief in a loving God. And I’ve wept even thinking the thoughts. But they’ve been there.
I didn’t even tell my parents for almost five months that we were expecting. It was as though my mouth went dumb every time I tried to bring it up in a phone conversation with them 900 miles away. It was just easier to talk about weather or Orison or what I was making for dinner.
The fears I dealt with throughout this pregnancy were ones that I wanted to deal with personally, first between me and God, then between me and Abraham, then between me and my family and close friends. These concentric circles of trust and support have been what I needed for the duration of my pregnancy.
* * *
It’s been about 17 months since I wrote those words. And since then I’ve given birth to a healthy, full-term, living baby. That should prove to me that it’s possible, right? That should take care of my fears, right?
God has indeed proven his faithfulness in many ways in my life since September 2007. But… fears remain. This Christmas I was struck over and over and over with how each person responded to the announcement of Christ’s coming. What was the first thing the angel told each of them (Mary, Joseph, the shepherds)?
“Fear not…”
It’s like the angel knew what a human’s knee-jerk reaction would be—fear.
We’re so stinkin’ fearful, every last one of us. But one thing I’ve been clinging to recently is something my mentor told me when I was dealing with something very fearful for me.
“Hell dances when God’s people are afraid.”
So I can either add to their revery and stew in my fears down here, or I can bring them to the Cross, where God is not spurning them, but hearing them and calming them. If the angels know that we will react fearfully, then surely God knows our inclinations. He’s not surprised by my fears. So I can run to him, and he will embrace me.
I just keep telling myself: He is a loving Father, and not my adversary.
Running with you to the God who knows. Love and prayers! Thank you for posting this, it helped me today.
I am not wrestling with pregnancy, but this post resonates within me. This past week I’ve become fearful about my future (I’m travelling soon to pursue some ministry opportunities)…sometimes to the point of wanting to puke. Thank you for this reminder!
This is the best blog post I have ever read. Thank you so much for putting into words something I was fearful of even voicing/writing.
Thank you, Molly. Fear is my besetting sin. Thank you for writing about it so transparently and yet so redemptively.
Molly,
I resonate with so much that you wrote especially with my first pregnancy after Owen. Returning to the Middle East where we lost him has also brought up these fears again- like that my kids are easy targets-it’s gotten better but when one of the kids is sick it’s easy for my mind to jump to the worse. It’s not a normal person’s reaction to a fever. Its a battle to take thoughts captive and remind myself God is loving, God is for me, God loves my children more than me.
Thanks for sharing. And by the way – Im very happy for this new life God has given to you and Abraham.
Thank you Molly for your transparency and honesty. Thank you for being honest with so much grace. I too have areas of fear in my life. Your blog today shed God’s light on the issue of fear for me. Thank you!
I will be praying for you and your pregnancy!
WOW! Powerful post, Molly.
Fear is the most understandable reaction to the devastating loss you’ve experienced. Yet exposing the lies hidden within the human emotion is both brave and liberating.
I often return to the thought that courage isn’t the absence of fear; it’s believing God in spite of it. (To mix a little Mark Twain and Beth Moore.) I will continue to pray for you as you fight this battle the next few months.
You have no idea how much I needed to read this. Thank you.
Gulp.
The quote from your friend is quite poignant for me right now. And how true it is…
I am so glad you posted this. I went through my (fourth) pregnancy after losing two babies, much paralyzed by fear of loss. Still working through it all, and posts like this help SO much.
Molly, I am an avid reader (and first time commenter) on your blog. This post really resonated with me because I so often struggle with fear and anxiety. I often wonder if God is really good, but you are SO right. God is SO good and so loving and when I meditate on that truth it really melts away all of my fears. Thank you so much for sharing.
Wow. You put into words what some are probably very afraid to say. I hope I can minister better to others because of the insight I glean from your blog. Thank you so much for sharing thoughts that are so very personal.
You are an amazing woman.
Oh Molly… it is so hard being finite and trusting a Sovereign God!!!
It has been 2 weeks (today) since my Caleb was born still. I’ll tell you something I’ve only said out loud to a couple of people: I’m not angry at God. But I find myself wanting to shake my fist at Him and order Him around. “I’ll let this one time be ok, but don’t you DARE do this to me again!!!” And I feel such guilt for thinking such thoughts about a God that I claim to have given lordship over my life. Caleb was my 6th pregnancy loss (the first 5 being first trimester losses that never developed a visible tangible baby) and my mantra about fertility and pregnancy has always been that “He is either Lord of all or not Lord at all”. Having a child who’s body is in the ground and who’s soul live in Heaven certainly shakes us to the very core of our foundation! I’ve said many times in the last 2 weeks, “I’m so honored that God trusts me this much… I just wish He wouldn’t.”
The biggest help for me is the fact that God’s Word is hidden in my heart. I don’t have to search for it (and I am certainly not in a place right now where I have the emotional strength to do so), He brings it to me daily. Because He is my firm foundation I can cling to what I *KNOW* despite of all the crazy irrational things I feel. The fact that He is aquainted with my suffering has never been so real to me. The hopelessness that parent’s who don’t have eternal security and the promise of seeing, touching, holding smelling their child again almost makes me more sad than my own hurt and loss.
I will praying for you, that the joy of the Lord will be your strength (Nehmiah 8:10 – my verse for today) and that you will be able to truly ENJOY the gift of this precious little life no matter how many weeks or years God plans for him or her to spend with you. He loves your baby far more than you ever could, and all his or her day are written in His book – before even one of them came to be! “How precious are your thoughts for me Oh God, too marvelous for me to comprehend!”
Melodie,
Way to fight, sister. God is glorified with your efforts – but oh… how I hurt for you!
In His love…
Hello Melodie,
I do not know you personally but I also had one 1st trimester loss last year and it was devastating. Even an embryo to a mother is a real and living child. I cannot imagine the pain you had with 6. That your heart is not hardened is a testiment to God’s grace and love with you. I pray that He will heal you, spirit, soul and body, and grant you your heart’s desire. Do not give up hoping and trusting, dear sister.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I don’t think you’re the only one struggling with these false thoughts that the devil himself puts in our minds. I am still single, and God’s given me a wonderful boyfriend who loves Him and loves me. I have struggled so many times with the thought of “maybe God’s going to take him away from me sooner or later”, or “i’m not good enough for this blessing, so I’m going to lose him”. This is all self-righteousness. God’s given me this particular blessing not because I am good…but because He IS good, because every perfect gift comes from God BY grace!
Definitely not thinking true thoughts is sin because it is not believing in a loving God…just like you said. It is saying that God is just like any of us, but He isn’t. God is VERY good and knows our frame. He isn’t looking for the first opportunity to destroy His children, but to bless them.
Thanks again for sharing this. It is humbling. I pray God continues giving all of us a biblical understanding of His love and eternal goodness towards us.
Dear Molly,
I have just recently begun following your blog and have been really blessed by it. This post spoke directly into some of the issues God is dealing with in my life. I literally journalled this morning about how I’ve been seeing God as a hard taskmaster rather than a loving Father. To see a lot of my present struggles reflected in your words was just like the voice of God to me today, encouraging me to press on and trust Him. Thankyou so much for your transparency.
Molly, thanks so much for sharing your story. Although I know it is true, it always seems to help when we hear someone else tell us they have been where we are or had thoughts that we have had. Guess it makes us feel normal, whatever that is. My daughter is now 10 years old, it took us 3 years to conceive her. I conceived again about 18 months later and then lost the baby at 16 weeks. It took us another 7 years after that to conceive my son who is now 20 months. And I still had those same thoughts and everytime something would “feel” wrong I would start to think here we go again. But God is good and He gives us what we need when we need it (according to Him and not me.
Melodee- I will be lifting you up in prayer. Praying that God gives you the strength and encouragement you need and that He surrounds you with people and friends that can help you and not hinder you. And that your faith continues to be strong in Him and you continue to turn to him.
Thank you so much. God used your words to speak to my heart tonight. I needed to be reminded of this.
Twenty-four and a half years ago, our three week old baby boy (we were adopting him; I held his mother’s hand and watched his C-section birth) was returned to his birthmother after she revoked her consent. It was an experience that I would wish on no one, an experience that shaped me. Today our twenty-four year old daughter (yes, God’s spectacular mercy came to us in her, five months after that) learned that the month-old foster baby she has loved and cared for since her birth will soon go to some relatives of hers. We knew this would come, but it still hurts. (It is our daughter and son-in-law’s first experience fostering.) And it has been jarring to me, how the memories of that long-ago loss of mine can be felt all over again, so unbidden yet so clear.
Knowing my daughter will walk that valley aches for me as a mother. But I am choosing not to fear – not to fear that God’s grace somehow won’t be sufficient this time, somehow won’t wash over her loneliness and sadness. I choose to trust and not be afraid for this hard future experience. He is safe to trust – even for a mother’s heart.
I don’t mean to offend in comparing your loss to this, I just wanted to write and say you have been a blessing in writing this post. I recall my own pain so long ago, so desperately not wanting to be part of the ‘club’ of women who have to learn God’s grace in suffering….and of the courage needed to walk that adoption path again, with the fears lurking around every corner. God has been so faithful. We have three children, plus two in heaven, and one – the baby we had to return – out there somewhere, covered by our prayers. God is safe to trust – but the memories remain as reminders of my own frailty and my overwhelming need for Him.
Oh, Molly. Me too.
I struggle with the craziest thoughts…only they don’t seem crazy at all. They seem quite logical.
But they’re not. I have to call my husband at least once daily to talk me down from the crazy things I’m thinking. The only things that help when I’m going down the path of fear and worry are the words of truth.
The true and beautiful things of God. The truth.
Praying for the comfort of God to permeate everything you’re thinking.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
love you sweet sister.
ebe
This is very helpful, though my circumstances are very different. Thank you for sharing openly.
Pretty much in tears. Needed to read that tonight. If ever I try to take a reprieve from fear, I ‘fear’ I’m being naive.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Fear not.
We are all afraid. A friend of mine posted this on his FB page and Im expecting our third child. I am now working on an invitation for a celebration called a BlessingWay, it is focused on God, prayer and the power of the mother through faith. I love your story, and my prayers are with you.
I was looking for verses to add to my invitation, being a newly saved Christian, I look for a way to put God in everything I do… Or at least I try. The verse that I chose for my invitation is 2Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self–discipline.”
I appreciate you sharing your story!
I can relate in a way — being pregnant and the father leaving us. God keeps reminding me that He loves us and He will never forsake us. Even though my flesh wants to “feel” safe — I know deep in my heart God is all me and my children need. If I give it up to him each day — He will take care of us and enable me to raise them. She’ll be here in about a month — there is fear of not being able to offer a beautiful Christian family — but I see no man could ever lead my children to God — God has to draw them, so ultimately my mindset needs to change — He will be the best father for them.
Molly~
Thank you so much for sharing. We lost a son during birth 5 1/2 years ago. Since that time, we have had 2 beautiful, healthy boys. I am once again pregnant with another son ~ only this time he’s not going to be healthy ~ except by an act of God. This son has a severe heart defect. And though most of the time I walk in faith, I do fear. I fear the dark valley of grief, should this son die. And I wonder why, when I pleaded for Tucker’s life and God said no, that He should answer me differently when I plead for Jethro’s heart to be made whole. I think my faith may be too small.
Yet a friend reminded me the other day, that there is a reality that a Mama who has lost a child owns, that others don’t necessarily. We know what it is to lose a child, despite our most heart-felt prayers. We know that although God’s will is always best and good, sometimes it can be hard and terrifying for us to walk through ~ not that He asks us to walk through it alone, but still, it is difficult.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. God is good, and He is faithful. As I have struggled with fear and with allowing myself to grieve the loss of ‘normalcy’ with this child, I find that God is reassuring me at most every turn. Through things I hear on the radio, Scriptures, books I read, and things on the internet. Today, He used you to reassure me. God bless.
“Yet a friend reminded me the other day, that there is a reality that a Mama who has lost a child owns, that others don’t necessarily.”
yes.
i assent to this, wholeheartedly, though i don’t posses that reality myself.
thanks for your response, which blessed me, Tracy!
How timely I stumble upon your blog this evening. My husband & I watched the two pink lines appear on the ptest this morning…..for the 10th time. We have 5 beautiful children here on earth, and four with the Lord. So you can imagine a lot of preaching to myself as the fears creep in!:) Thanks for sharing!
so beautiful… thank you.
One thing that has helped me a lot in overcoming “what ifs” and irrational fears is this quote from The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom:
“There are no ifs in God’s kingdom, or places that are safer than other places. His timing is perfect. His will is our hiding place.”
Also, I have begun to change how I see trials, hard places, and wilderness type experiences. I don’t know if this is the place to wrestle with theology or not, but this is what I’m wrestling with. When my husband was a dialysis patient, someone told him that God keeps you in the trial until you change your heart from where it is (which is not right) to where he wants it to be (which is right). Then you get healed, set free, delivered out of the trial… But if I’m understanding reformed theology right (and I am kind of new to it), God is not waiting for us to come to our senses or change our own hearts because only he can change us. We can’t do it without him. So while we do change and learn things in our painful experiences God is not putting us through them like it’s a “time out” or something. I think it was your father-in-law who said that in every thing that happens, God has thousands of purposes. We cannot know them all.
When my mother-in-law died, someone sent us a card that said, “Take the Savior’s loving hand, and do not try to understand.” I have to do that so often.
Molly, that was so beautifully and transparently written. This is the best post/article I’ve read about fear in a long time. Thank you and God bless.
Thank you so much Molly for your beautiful post. I recently had a miscarriage (at 17 weeks)and am very fearful of getting pregnant again.
Thank you for being honest and letting me know that I’m not alone in this struggle with fear and for the gentle reminder that yes, He really is in control.
Molly,
I had no idea you had a blog until two days ago…I greatly respect and have followed your father in law’s teachings for years and just recently learned I could follow him on facebook, which then pointed me here. I honestly feel like God pointed me here. Crazy, I know!!
I have one living child, and my last two pregnancies have been losses, one in the first trimester and the other at 17 wks. The second one happened in September and I am still terrified. I often wonder if my womb has become a place of death. Am I doing something wrong to kill my babies, I keep asking myself…and forcing my doctor to run test after test that all come back normal. I desperately want a houseful of children, but I live in constant feer that that will not happen, that I’m getting too old (I’m only 29!), that there’s something wrong with me, that there’s something wrong with my babies, that I’ve got some unrepented sin God is trying to discipline me for, or that God is trying to use me as an example that I DON’T WANT TO BE!…satan has made me so fearful/guilty/angry/shameful and I haven’t figured out how to get rid of those feelings yet.
This fear has bled into my romantic relationship with my husband too, which is also very painful, emotionally, for me. I love my husband dearly, and love that he desires me and want to fulfill that desire, but am terrified of having to deal with another dead baby…and that makes being fully engaged in intimacy with him difficult for me most of the time.
I was so angry at God, it’s still hard for my mind to wrap around the fact that a loving God would take not one, but two babies from me in one year…but my heart knows that God is sovereign, that He does love me, and that He gave up His only baby, just so that I could live.
Thank you for being courageous enough to be faithful…in getting pregnant again and even in writing this post…I’d love to talk to you about it more.
You’re right. We’re all afraid of something…and I believe that fear comes from what we’ve lost. Hope, dreams, loved ones, jobs, homes, marriages… It all makes us a bit gun shy, doesn’t it? And that, as you’ve shared here, is where faith is built. Praise God that He sticks with us through it all.
The words are sweet. Thanks for the courage to share them. I can relate for different reasons. As the Bible reminds us over and over, fear is not from God. I remind myself of those words and run to the arms of Jesus.
Molly – I’m so thankful for your blog and your heart and am thrilled to hear about your newest pregnancy! As someone currently suffering through infertility and beginning intense treatment, fear resonates with me through and through. I try to bargain with God “okay this is my lifelong suffering, please protect me from miscarriage or my husband dying or …” But in actuality – all i have is His. He gives and He takes away and he is STILL good. (thats so hard for me to believe). It’s so easy for me to see him as punitive instead of our loving Father. I know our suffering is no where near the same, but it’s so comforting to know someone else that struggles through some similar things emotionally and with the Lord.
Thanks so much for your transparency! I will be praying for you:)
Molly – I’m so thankful for your blog and your heart and am thrilled to hear about your newest pregnancy! As someone currently suffering through infertility and beginning intense treatment, fear resonates with me through and through. I try to bargain with God “okay this is my lifelong suffering, please protect me from miscarriage or my husband dying or …” But in actuality – all i have is His. He gives and He takes away and he is STILL good. (thats so hard for me to believe). It’s so easy for me to see him as punitive instead of our loving Father. I know our suffering is no where near the same, but it’s so comforting to know someone else that struggles through some similar things emotionally and with the Lord.
Thanks so much for your transparency! I will be praying for you:)
How powerful. Praying with you.
Molly,
Thank you for sharing your heart and know that you are not alone. I suffered 2 miscarriages before my first son was born, and every pregnancy since then has brought fear (despite the fact that we now have 4 children – during each pregnancy, I worried). This is not something women talk about easily, especially when we are pregnant. It makes others uncomfortable because they want to be happy for us (which they should). But those of us who have suffered loss still have fears that we need to talk about. It is so good that you share this for women who are going through this now. Even though we know with our minds that God is a loving Father who does all things for His good and glorious purpose, it is sometimes hard to remember that when we are afraid. Praise God that He uses the fear to draw us near to Him. I’ll be praying for you.
Thank you for having the courage to share those words with us. I need daily reminders to trust the Lord and not live in fear. We are in the very early days of our 7th pregnancy with no living children. We lost the first 6 to early miscarriage. It’s tempting to let myself be overcome by fear and doubt right now. I know that your words will encourage so many. Praying for another strong, healthy pregnancy for you and your husband!
this was so good for my soul. i always tend to fear. He is for me, not against me.
Thanks Molly for reminding me that God is not out to teach me a lesson and that he loves me and sees me. Am trying to get pregnant for a year now after a miscarriage and struggling to trust in God’s goodness.
THank you so much for sharing this. This is truly words from the Lord to my heart right now. A week ago I found out I was pregnant. I’ve had 2 miscarriages prior to our daughter’s birth 16 months ago. And even though I have had 1 healthy pregnancy, my heart reverts back to the fear of losing my other babies.
This spoke to my heart. Thank you.
Praying for you and your precious little belly-dweller!
Will be praying for you both. Yes, He is a loving Father.
Thanks for this post, Molly. Fear eats joy… But Jesus beats fear!
Praying for you…
Words cannot explain how proud I am for the bravery that you have shown. You have a tender, loving heart that resounds with so many others. We are rejoicing for all of you on the life of this little one.
Your writing is beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss. I so appreciate some of the resources you have mentioned here. Another is: “Helping Those Who Hurt: A Handbook for Caring and Crisis.” I hope that it will be of help to you as well.
God Bless You as He Walks Beside You,
Barbara M. Roberts
hallelujah.
i’m thankful–as one who is younger, married, but has never ventured into child-pursuit–to be shaped, sharpened, and made wiser through your life-sharing.
thank you, molly!
Wow….have you summed up my thoughts well. I had a little girl that was stillborn two years ago. I just discovered that I am pregnant again….and I’m not sure I want to tell anyone. I will have to work on this. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Thank you so much for this post. I have been struggling with great fear and anxiety in the last weeks. I am 29 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl but lost a baby girl in the second trimester about 10 months ago. I struggle with fear that she is healthy today but my body might “cause” her to die tomorrow.
Your post ministered to me. Fear is not of God.
Thanks you.
this post ministered to me as i went through my own trials these past couple of weeks. so thankful for your honesty & openness during this time… and rejoicing with you in your current pregnancy! :]
I just saw this, “and rejoicing with you in your current pregnancy!” YES???!!!!!
I think I’m back to the blogging world
It’s almost been a YEAR since I’ve opened my blog reader – crazy!!! I love you, sister! Thankful you shared this post 17mo later….thankful for your honesty….thankful for the Lord’s presence in all your words – He’s SO evident in all you write. He has indeed been faithful….indeed.