May 7, 2008
10 Tips for Bringing Meals to a Grieving Friend
How to Help Your Grieving Friend, Part 10
When we lost Felicity, we had a lot of meal help from friends and family. I learned a few things from the people serving me about how to serve others—with food.
1. BRING MEALS!
It is essential, really. Bringing meals is a profound ministry to the hurting. Your friend’s mind is otherwise engaged and simply cannot sequence the steps for making a meal.
2. Organize the meals so she doesn’t have to.
Ideally, one person (not the griever) is coordinating meals immediately after the loss. If the grieving person has to coordinate what days they’re going to get a meal, who it’s coming from, what time it’s arriving, etc., that’s just as much work as trying to make meals herself. If there is no meal coordinator, volunteer!
3. Stagger the times that you bring meals.
Depending on the size of the family, meals may only be necessary every other day or even every third day. Because of leftovers, one meal often provides for two days of eating.
4. Bring a frozen meal.
As many of you know after a death, there’s often no shortage of food. A frozen meal can be set aside for when it’s most convenient. You can even organize your small group to bring a whole batch of frozen meals if they have an extra freezer (make sure first!). These come in handy a couple months down the road when the organized meals are over, and a particularly hard day/week comes.
5. Make sure everyone doesn’t bring the same thing.
Soup and lasagna are the most common meals to bring because they taste so good, they’re the easiest to make, and they travel well. But make sure they haven’t received a bunch of those already (talk to the meal organizer about that).
6. Should I stay or should I go? Yes.
When you bring a meal, feel the situation out for whether or not you should linger. They might want you to stick around and talk, but if you think not, it’s perfectly acceptable to drop it off and get going.
7. Don’t count on commiserating.
You’re bringing a meal because of their loss, but they might not want to feel that loss with you right then. Just before dinner might not be a good time for “a moment.”
8. Deliver dinner in dishes you don’t need back.
Always provide a meal in containers that don’t need to be returned to you. Having to keep track of 9×13′s and serving bowls is too much work. It requires the organizational effort that we’re trying to avoid.
9. Tell them not to thank you.
Make sure they know that you don’t need a thank you note. You can even go as far as telling them that you’ll actually be bothered if they take the time to write you a note.
10. It’s never too late to bring a meal.
Most of you probably don’t know anyone who lost a loved one so recently that meals are still being organized for them. But you do probably know someone who endured a loss six, seven, twelve months ago. I can almost guarantee that if you called and asked to bring dinner this week, you’d bless their oven mitts off. It’s never too late.
Maybe some of you have been meal organizers or have had meals brought to you–what things have you found helpful? Any other tips you want to share?
(Read other posts in this series.)
Addendum, added 5/15/2008
Many of the comments from this post were so helpful and practical that I just had to put them at the end here so that other readers could more easily access them. So here we go:
- Gift cards!
- Take them out to eat (McDonald’s can be a fine option if young kids are involved).
- The meal coordinator should alert those bringing meals about any dietary restrictions, allergies, and food preferences.
- Meal coordinators should give a reminder phone call
- If you don’t have the means or availability to make a whole meal, bring something else, like some tea or a small plate of cookies. It’s about letting them know you’re thinking of them.
- Take a shipment of paper products and plastic utensils over to them so that clean-up is mindless too.
And one of my favorite quotes came from jamsco, who said, “Meals are a gift from God through the human giver.” Perfect!
This is another great post! I could not agree more about the disposable containers. Keeping track of who belongs to what dish is impossible without grief (I’ve had meals provided after healthy deliveries)…I can’t imagine trying to do that when you are smack in the middle of a loss. I also second the frozen meal idea! Thanks for the series – it’s been great!
These are such wonderful, practical tips. I am going to send them to my mom for our women’s ministry. :-)
The meal organizer would do well to track any allergies or “unpopular” foods for the family. A family of seven that we know prefer familiar meals rather than “fancy” ones (e.g. lasagna with red sauce rather than a seafood lasagna with white sauce and spinach and artichoke and mushrooms and so on).
In addition, they have a son with allergies to beef, dairy, and egg. The meal organizer identified these allergies, but also let the meal volunteers know that the family didn’t mind having to prepare a special meal for Jacob. It gave them more control over his allergies and was less stressful than trying to figure out if he could/should eat the meal. They usually have to prepare a separate meal for him anyway.
Gift cards to a few specific restaurants were also appreciated by the family since they could ALL enjoy the food, without worry of allergies.
Thanks for this insightful and practical post, Molly!
I second the gift card comment — especially to places that offer take-out or delivery. It’s a great option.
I also think it’s wise to for the meal coordinator to find out how many people might be in the house for dinner at any particular time. During times of grief or celebration, the home often contains extended family members who are staying to help out. It would be horrible to show up with a lasagna for four, only to find out there are six eaters that night.
(So now I want to bring you a dinner, Molly, since food is my spiritual gift. Is that wrong?)
At our church, the meal ministry kicks in two weeks after the event. I found this especially helpful b/c often there is automatically more than enough to go around in the first two weeks, especially if family is in town. After two weeks, though, visitors tend to disappear and it’s then that you can really appreciate some help.
Thanks for this… I, too, will be forwarding it to many people
:-)Melissa [the one whose son will NOT be playing with vintage Little People]
It may be helpful for the meal coordinator to provide directions to those on the list that are bringing the meals. That way, the ‘bringer’ of the meal can just simply coordinate a convenient drop-off time with the ‘receiver’ of the meal!
And reember that it doesn’t have to be a homemade meal. We had people bring us rotisserie chicken and vegetables from the store and that was still a blessing to us!
I’m a fairly new pastor’s wife, with no clue on how to help those who are grieving…all your posts, and this one especially are priceless…thank you.
Scour the Goodwill for pretty dishes that don’t cost a mint! You can deliver these meals in the dishes and they have dishes they can keep and not worry about giving them back.
Also, include dessert too. Especially if the grievers have children, this will let the family know that you were thinking about all of them, not just mom, because we all know how kids love treats.
And if you cant afford to or don’t have time to make a whole meal, drop of cookies, tea, or chocolates.
This is my advice, and I’m grieving too.
Leanne in Longview
After our recent loss, we had people from two churches bringing us meals – we felt very blessed.
After half a week of meals, I wanted to say “Okay, you can stop bringing lettuce salads – we still have three bags of leftovers”
But you can’t say that – how can they know? So we just ate as much as we could and threw it when it went bad.
Meals are a gift from God through the human giver.
My mom after having breast cancer surgery and undergoing chemo was blessed by friends bringing meals for one week after each chemo treatment. This was a blessing to our family and helped her to not have to think about what to feed my dad and brother.
So it’s not always those grieving but other families that are going through some suffering, especially if it happens to be the mom that tends to cook at a lot.
What do you do when you’re not sure if they could use a meal or not? If a friend had a early miscarriage what is the correct or appropriate way to ask whether they would like a cooked meal?
I had an early miscarriage and yes, a meal very appropriate. I was still very tired afterward and didn’t feel like cooking or cleaning or doing anything but reflecting on the event that had taken place in my life. I was very blessed when my pastors’ wives came over with food for my husband and I.
Have the meal organizer give out reminder calls to the food bringers.
After the birth of our twins, we went through a really awkward stage where people who were signed up to bring meals kept forgetting. I was like, “Um, do I cook or not?” and I felt very strange about calling someone to say—-
“Hi, are you bringing dinner tonight?”
I appreciated it when the food bringer called in advance to say 1. I’m bringing dinner and 2. here are your options, pick one.
one last remark: after my husband’s stepmom was killed in a car accident; NO ONE brought us dinner.
except for our mormon neighbors down the street who brought a full ham, 2 different kinds of salads, dessert and dinner rolls.
say what you want about mormons—i’ll never forget that they were the only ones who stepped up in our time of need.
I didn’t quite understand that the neighbors brought you dinner but no one brought you dinner. I live in Idaho where there are a lot of people that practice the Mormon faith( I am a Christian/Protestant) and they have a lot of church sponsored social classes on homemaking and encouraged to be active in the community and active in Boy Scouts etc.. and am not surprised at all that they brought you dinner. Unless you are really involved in a group that practices bringing meals to a friend it isn’t surprising to me that others didn’t as it is becoming a part of our culture that is disappearing. Most people don’t even know our neighbors much less know what is going on in their personal lives. I think you bring up a valuable thought though, that the personal touch is still important. It isn’t that you need the food…but you need to know people care. I’m going to start taking something and try to get to know my neighbors better.
I think the giving and receiving of food is one of the true hallmarks of a true community. Nothing says that people are thinking of you more than a homecooked (or “home-bought”) meal. It is so nice to have a tangible expression of people’s love.
These are all really good suggestions. The gift card idea is wonderful! Even a Papa John’s gift card would be handy–who doesn’t want to order pizza from time to time?
Steven Lee, I think anyone would be blessed to have a meal, no matter how far along their loss was. Bringing a meal may encourage them in a special way, demonstrating to them that you recognize the legitimacy of losing a child, regardless of developmental stage.
Since I have a son with severe peanut, tree nut and dairy allergies, I definitely appreciated the special efforts people made when we received meals after the loss of our daughter. One thing that I would suggest is to include the recipe with the meal (if it is a home-made one), and, if allergies are an issue, to even indicate what name brand of products were used. That way any concerns about allergies can be alleviated (and if the meal is good ;) it can be made again).
But I have a question about being on the receiving end of this–is it terrible to not have sent thank you cards for meals received? It’s been three months for us, and I just cannot write those cards…
We had some friends who took us out for dinner in lieu of a meal. It was a precious time of fellowship and we didn’t have to cook that night either! One couple even took us to McDonalds for the sake of the kids. :D
I agree with staggering the meals to every second day. I hate throwing food away but the portions were often more than we would eat for one meal. The food really heaped up after a while!
Somebody brought us a bunch of frozen pizzas. It was helpful for when we received meals that my (sometimes fussy) boys didn’t want to eat.
The food ministry was one of the biggest blessings we received during this time. My in-laws were blessed with some meals as well – people realised that they had lost a grandchild and were grieving too.
Thanks for the post. I like the feel and content of your blog. And I have wonderful memories of Orr, Minn during the summer camp when I served as counselor up there.
I will keep this post handy for our church members to consider as we help our grieving friends.
God bless
I was going to say the same thing about allergies and preferences.
All I know is that it was a huge blessing to have meals brought to us after the births of our second two children. I have never tasted anything so delicious as the hospital food and the meals the ladies brought – I imagine this is because I didn’t have to cook it. :)
I can imagine that meals would be a blessing in number of circumstances, after a birth, a loss, a sickness, a surgery. It made me feel so loved to be taken care of that way.
To all you beautiful, caring , and practical people!
My eyes almost spilled over when I read about your ministry and the sensitivity you show.
I found this all so helpful to keep in mindand heart for when the need arises – and it will.
What a great idea to include the recipe for a family with an allergy problem.
And as for having a meal organizer! Well, you seem to have covered so many things that takes the kinks out of possible awkward, even problem situations that could be unhelpful to the receiver .
Thank you all so much
Patricia
You have given great suggestions. Thanks for sharing such a wonderful tips.
I love to see the body of Christ function as it should to care for those who are hurting. Great tips, Molly!
As for writing thank you notes, I would say you shouldn’t feel obligated (and this from the Southern-bred manners fanatic!) When my mom had breast cancer and both her church and her school were bringing meals, we just made up a very simple post card with a general note of thanks for the care and concern and had copies made. When she felt up to it, she would just sign her name and we dropped them in the mail. It eased her mind about saying thank you, but required almost no thought. When your friends are asking what they can do to help, maybe one of them can make up a card for you.
I am so proud of you, Molly, for using this platform to bless others with what you have learned. As one who has grieved AND one who loves those who are grieving, I am grateful.
excellent tips! i especially like the no containers that need to be returned and no thank you note policy.
good ones!
This is really good too! I have recently learned the “use dishes you don’t have to give back” – that one has served me TREMENDOUSLY when we’ve received meals!!! And I love the tell them not to thank you! I’m definitely applying that one!!! : )
how come everyone has these cute little quilt icons next to their names…will i have one? i will hit submit and see….
yessssssssssssssssssssss!!!
is it like my personal fingerprint? am i the only one with this quilt block? do we all get our own? oh goodness. as if i needed to have another thing to obsess over. this is so cool.
Hey Molly, I go to Bethlehem but I don’t think I’ve ever officially met you. But I read your blog :) Thanks for sharing this series with us. I have been really encouraged and helped by your thoughts. Thanks for being willing to share your grief and bless others. I just received a call from some friends in Missouri who found out that they lost their baby at 18 weeks yeasterday. They were going in to find out the sex of the baby and instead found out that he/she had died. My friend will be induced to deliver tomorrow. When they called this evening I was able to share some encouragement that I have gleaned from you. I shared with them Psalms 16:11 and a little bit of your story about that verse with Felicity. My friend was aware of what had happend to your family and said that it gave her hope to know that others were experiencing the same thing and finding hope in the Lord. Thanks again.
To go along with the disposable food containers, I have often brought along paper plates/plastic forks, etc when I drop off meals so there is minimal clean up afterwards, too!
I’ve become a big fan of the gift certificate idea after having our most recent baby. I can’t speak for how convenient it is a for a grieving family, but for a busy one with four kids 5 and under and husband working crazy hours, they were a blessing!
-Valere
Now, you know if you lived near me, you would NEVER be starving!!!!! Heck, you would probably never need to cook again! Although I know secretly, that piece of roasted garlic that Aber consumed at my house that one day that was secretly hidden in the bread freaked him out a bit.
Amen! My mother had breast cancer for three years before she died. This took such a toll on us, becasue the chemo treatments absolutely drained her. Our church family blessed us by bringing us meals every night for a year, and then every other night until she passed away. Everything you said rang so true with what we experienced…the variety of meals, when to linger, when to leave…thanks for sharing this so more women will know how to serve their grieving friends!
One thing that I found through serving someone and also our family being served when I was younger – someone should if at all possible volunteer to bring disposables and drinks – like paper/plastic plates, utensils, cups and paper towells or napkins – or a few different two liters or container of coffee – when we could break out the disposables and not worry about washing dishes when we were done it seemed to somehow lighten the load! Also one thing I took away from your blog that I want to do is make a note three months, six months, nine months and a year after I take the initial meal to bring another – this is SO amazing that you have taken the time to do this! Thank you Sunshine
When my father was murdered, one friend thoughtfully dropped by a trunkful of paper products—plates, napkins, utensils, paper towels and toilet paper and…. Kleenex!!
I still say that this was such a HUGE gift for us, not having to worry about clean up. Meals are often thought of first, but the work after the food is always a load, especially in grief
[...] 10 Tips for Bringing Meals to a Grieving Friend [...]
Over the last several years between friends and family with pregnancies or with health issues I have organized a lot of meal schedules and been a food bringer for others who have organized the schedule. I was doing this so often for people, and organizing is a tedious process, my husband and a friend of his took the time to solve our need for simplifying the process. They designed a website that we have used dozens of times already that helps make the process of organizing people to bring meals so much easier than having to make lot’s of extra phone calls and send a ton of emails. It’s a website called http://www.foodtidings.com and it’s free for anyone to use. It’s so simple to use and it turns out others have benefitted from this site in ways we didn’t expect. We have received stories from people all over the country that this service has helped. I hope this will be a help for all of you who are giving the awesome gift of meals to people you love…well, back to feeding my 5 week old baby boy.
Thank you so much for this series, it has been so insightful for me, so many great practical ideas on helping those who grieve and also some insight into what’s going on inside. Thank you for sharing this.
These are helpful tips, but I would like to point out (as crazy as this may sound) that not all grieving (or otherwise challenged) people desire or feel best served by the typical meal ministry.
I found myself and my family were best served by a few frozen meals (or even a prepared, but uncooked meal), at most 3 per week, delivered early in the day. What I struggled with most was the delivery of hot meals at “dinner” time (the timing of which is usually challenging for both the giver and receiver) and the accompanying desire (or expectation) of the deliverer to visit along with their meal. One person I know had a friend ask to bring a turkey dinner over a few days after the birth of a child. What the recipient did not expect (but did experience) was the friend showing up at her door with five children in tow and an uncooked turkey and all the ingredients for dinner. Said friend went on to cook an entire meal and unleash her unruly children on very tired new parents over the next four or five hours. Yikes!
We are the best blessings to others, I think, when we can truly bless without imposing our own expectations and ASK the recipient how they can actually be best served (not assuming that what serves us best will always serve others best).
Interesting Topic – I created a website called CaringMeals.com to help people coordinate meals for people in times of need. It has helped numerous people organize meals, and is freely available to all.
Blessings,
Vijay
When my mom died unexpectedly after a knee surgery, we were blessed to have lots of members of our Mormon congregation bring not only meals, but treats and snacks and all kinds of wonderful things to eat. The house felt like it was full of food. But, we ran out of milk and eggs and cereal and a few staples. No one felt like lasagna for breakfast the next morning, so we ended up having to go to the grocery store at 11:00 that night. It felt weird being there and I didn’t like running such a After that experience, I take a bag of groceries – milk, eggs, butter, and a couple boxes of cereal. I love the idea of taking plastic dishes and paper towels as well. And bringing a meal or continuing to make contact a few months later is so important.
[...] 10 Great Tips On Bringing Meals To A Grieving Friend Jump to Comments Check out this post! [...]
also be sensitive to the families health or food choices. my dad died of stomach cancer in april and it frustrated me to no end that it seemed like no one thought about What they brought to us. I would have rather they have given money than half of the crap they brought to our house that I could not eat. (honey baked ham, sams club or costco foods with so much sodium and just a lot of junk) when i told our pastor that i preferred healthy, natural, food, and food with no or low preservatives he tried to be funny and say that preservatives are good for you and it made me so angry, preservatives preserve your food…not you. thank you for this, i hope to read the rest of your series.
I wonder, at times, if it would be appropriate for a family to take the kids of a grieving family out for dinner, like McDonald’s with a play land, and bring over food for the adults to eat quietly at home. My son was still very small when my daughter died, and I was still nursing him, so he could not go far, but I did appreciate it when one of my friends would show up and take him out for a walk to the park. There were days I was tired of trying to smile for one small baby while grieving for another one. Yet the poor little guy did not know what was going on and deserved to have someone play with him who could smile without breaking into tears once in awhile.
http://www.WhatFriendsDo.com is a website to coordinate support for friends going through grief, illness, job chane, any life-changing event. The Help Schedule is a calendar to organize meals, help with children or transportation, or any other help that is needed. The coordinator can indicate food restrictions, and each person bringing a meal can indicate what they are fixing, so others can see what meals are being taken each day. The site is FREE, and easy to use.
Fran (co-founder of WhatFriendsDo.com)
I have organized meals for my moms group for some time now. A friend came across a site http://www.foodtidings.com and mentioned to me. I can’t tell you how helpful this site has been. I highly recommend it to those who organize meals for friends in need.
If I can add one more voice, I would suggest to offer meals to those who have had miscarriages in early pregnancy. When this happened to us, it kind of felt like people should know we needed this ministry… but no one offered. I can understand that people who haven’t experienced that may not know the grief it brings, so I certainly wouldn’t want to condemn anyone. Just an encouragement to care for this category of grieving friend also. (Forgive me if someone else already wrote this, I didn’t read all the comments!)
I didn’t read all of the comments, so I’m not sure if this was already suggested….
Have one or two close friends who are already familiar with the situation deliver ALL of the meals. This way, the mother doesn’t have to put on a smile or feel like she has to re-hash the whole scenario over and over again with many different people. Especially since she probably doesn’t even want to see people at first. A friend and I did this a few weeks ago for another friend, and she said it, “WAS THE BEST THING EVER.” I would have never thought about doing it, so I’m SO glad our other friend was smart enough to think about it.
Hi,
I came across your blog and while reading noticed this entry and wanted to tell you all that if you’re doing a church-wide or organized group meal arrangement, my church uses foodtidings.com – It is really easy! The way I have seen it work is you have an organizer that signs up and the site will let you list on there the schedule to prevent duplications of meals, alerts everyone to allergies, the families likes and dislikes of certain foods and other specific instructions. Our organizer just posts it on there, shoots out an email to the members of the church with the name of the family above the link and voila! Oragnized family dinner at the click of your keys! :) Enjoy!
~Crystal
Annnnnd apparently I need to do a better job of reading all the comments before making comments myself…HAHA, I just noticed somebody had already suggested this site. Oh well!! Have a blessed day!
Hi Molly,
Love the new site!
I’m commenting many months later, but I agree about organizing what meals you send and I have one huge no no. No ziti. In August, my father died seven days after my mother-in-law died. We were completely shocked and drained. People kept bringing trays of ziti. After a few days of it, my mother commented that all this white pasta was only adding to our sluggishness, especially since we all eat whole grain or wheat. A friend who was organizing finally told people to please make something else besides pasta. It was a great help.
Katrina
PS. You should make this whole series into an E-book.
This is awesome. I just gave birth a few weeks ago, and meals on wheels have been such a blessing. I totally agree with all of the above tips. Absolutely perfect. Thanks for informing all of us!
One tip: Ask people what they DON”T want to eat… or what they have been eating, so you don’t bring that to them. No more burritos 3 times a week!
If money is tight or the meal supply seems to be flowing in for the family, make muffins or sweet bread. A friend called and offered to bring Panera bagels and cream cheese the morning before the funeral and it was the perfect thing.
I like your no-thank-you-note advice. When I was on chemo, people from church brought us dinners. It was great, and I was certainly thankful, but it didn’t even really occur to me to write notes. I’m mindful of writing thank-yous in gift giving and other situations, but I dunno, I just didn’t think of writing notes for the dinners. It could’ve been exhaustion, or chemo brain, or maybe I’m just socially clueless. Later, when I brought dinners to others, sometimes I got thank-you notes (which I did not expect), and then it dawned on me: Uh-oh, was I rude not to send thank-yous when I was the recipient? Oops. But really, my fundamental belief about this is in agreement with yours. People who are grieving or sick shouldn’t be expected to send thank-you notes.
I’ve been a believer in bringing meals in disposable containers for years. I don’t want people to have to bother with washing and returning my stuff. And there’s having to find a place to stash everyone’s dishes until you get around to returning them. Bah. The recipients don’t need that. And this isn’t the time to worry about putting more stuff in the landfill. Love those foil pans and cheap plastic containers.
My mom was a single parent and died suddenly at age 48. I was a Jr in college and my brother was a Sr in high school and got his final appointment letter to the Naval Academy the day she died. Our community was AMAZING! I laughed at your lasagna comment because at one time we had 5 in our fridge. Our grandfather who was staying with us at the time HATED lasagna, but was okay with noodles, meat, tomato sauce and cheese so I would chop up the lasagna and call it goulash and he’d LOVE it!! Creativity at its finest!
The PTA gave us $250 worth of gift cards to restaurants (asked us first what places we liked), our dentist for gave mom’s bill and gave us free services as long as we were in school/college, Mom’s Sunday School class paid the electric bill. We felt so loved and cared for….and some of those gifts lasted the 6 months before my brother left for the academy and until we sold mom’s house.
It was absolutely amazing!
this is a late comment – but there is now a website: http://www.carecalendar.org that coordinates everything! allergies, address, preferences, you can see what people are bringing before you so you don’t overlap dinners, etc. it is a great way to set up meals, cleaning, etc for those grieving.
Another website/coordination site is called MealBaby- we use it at our church for families who have experienced a birth, loss, major illness, or adoption in their family. One person usually sets things up, and enters the other members into the system. It also has a link for directions, contact info for the family, allergies, preferences, and a way to see what is being brought so you won’t duplicate too much.
When my sitter’s husband died (she has 7 children), the coordinator placed a large cooler on her front porch. The meal providers could just place the food in the cooler. That way, the meal provider knew to just put the food in there, and if the mom wanted to talk, she could, but otherwise on tough days, she could just wait until the provider left, then go out to the cooler.
There is a great website that is free to use called CareCalendar.org I used it to organize meals and other needs my friend had after she lost her son. I entered the families “needs” on the calendar (meals, childcare, pick up the mail, mow the lawn) and anyone willing to fill the need posted their name in as the supplier. I highly recommend this sight if you are trying to organize a lot of people to help for a long period!
When my dad died a year ago, the best thing, food-wise, we received in the first 24 hours were trays of meat and cheese and cut up fruit and vegetables with dip. We didn’t want to eat, but could just walk through the kitchen and graze and if people came over, we had food to serve them without having to do anything but take the lids off the trays.
When friends lost their husband/father/grandfather this fall, I did the same thing, as well as two boxes of crackers. They had several visitors and found it so helpful to have the food immediately available, rather than having to think of what to serve.
One thing I will recommend-call ahead of time, especially if it’s within the first day or two of the loss; the family may be planning the funeral or just having some ‘us only’ time.
Thank you for this, just what I need abs you have helped me help and not add hurt to my friend,
You are in my prayers
Xxoo
Thank you so much for these posts Molly! They are incredibly helpful.
I 100% agree with the “bring food in dishes you don’t need returned” thing. Even after a healthy delivery, it’s hard to keep track of what belongs to who. I can’t imagine after that kind of loss how hard it must be to try to keep track of things beyond your immediate family/home. Gift cards are wonderful too.
A little over 2 years ago, I lost my mom to cancer. I was still in college, so relatively young. I think I expected people to step in and take care of me a bit, at least a few meals, but I only got 1 meal from a friend (not from my church even), and even then I had to call and ask him if he forgot (which he did the first time), so he rescheduled (and left me wondering what to make for dinner late at night). I had been handling my mom’s death “fairly well”, but little things like that made me feel very un-loved, or like people thought her death didn’t affect me much since I was an adult. Experiencing that, and reading this blog, are really helping me to be able to understand what others are going through (even if I can’t comprehend the depth of their pain, I can at least know what would make them feel cared-for and loved). So thank you for helping me to understand a little more, and especially for all the what to say/what not to say posts you did. God is definitely still using these posts in awesome ways to bless others! :)
My Dad died back in 1986. I still remember that we ended up getting a total of 12 hams. I also still remember the plate of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies that a neighbor brought over. They were still warm :)
So sorry for you loss. A great meal coordinator website we have found is http://www.carecalendar.org/. It’s free and a great way to bless someone who could use some help with meals or other daily duties.
Wow – what a hugely helpful post. I’m linking to it on my site. These tips are not only helpful for friends of the bereft, but of anyone bringing a meal for almost any reason.
Your how to help a grieving friend series has hit home with in a lot of ways. I lost a child last month. I wanted to add a tip for the meals. We have one living son who is 3 years old. The families who brought us meals were very sweet but they always dropped them off at 7pm and my son eats no later than 6pm so we can get him bathed and off to bed by 7:30pm. We always had to end up making our son his own meal b/c the meals simply arrived too late. By 7pm we were trying to get him to bed and someone would come by with a meal. It ended up being an interruption to the nighttime process and we couldn’t benefit from it because our son needed to eat much earlier. People should take mealtimes into consideration when planning a meal. It is better to bring it earlier than later b/c it can always be reheated anyway if necessary. Also, several nights we didn’t always know if a meal was coming b/c on some nights no one showed up. It wasn’t something we could “count” on so we ended up needing to cook anyway.
Molly, I love your posts in this series. I am currently on the receiving end as our baby has a life shortening medical condition that has no cure and folks are blessing us with meals.
But in the age of email, receivers of gifts absolutely have no excuse to not zap off a “Thank You” when they receive a blessing from someone. It can be a two second, “thanks for blessing me today” email rather than a handwritten note (though that is always better as it is more personal). But that two-second email then blesses the giver. Part of the joy in praying, and in giving, is knowing the result was blessing on the person. ( It also encourages them to give to you again, as they then know it was truly a help after all.)
Always, always, always send a thanks. Email counts! (And yes, I was born and bred in the Deep South.). :)
One out of every five people suffer from daily heartburn. They can’t always eat tomato-based meals, or fried foods. Citrus foods aren’t good either, nor chocolate and mint. Just mentioning it because a neighbor, who was brought food wasn’t able to eat some of it.
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My best friend is currently going through the grieving process of losing her baby. She has said she doesn’t want me to organize meals as she is not ready to see people yet. Do I just keep on offering until she accepts or start signing people up and they can leave it on their doorstep? I want to do what is best for them.